Experts from the world of retail are predicting the total collapse of the traditional High Street by the year 2025, it has emerged. With HMV being the latest casualty of the current economic downturn, yet shops like W H Smith and Jane Norman still inexplicably trading, the end of shopping as a pleasurable experience has already begun.
With the surge in recent years of online shopping, retail outlets as we know them are to become surplus to requirements. Once-bustling streets across the UK and beyond will turn into something like a scene from 28 Days Later, or that really depressing one with Viggo Mortenson; all boarded-up wastelands where only rodents and cockroaches can thrive.
According to experts the advent of online shopping will have serious consequences for the human anatomy. Over the next few millennia legs will probably evolve entirely out of existence, which is particularly bad news for footware retailers. A kind of motorised trolley with a voice-activated tablet attached on an arm is already in development for house-bound humans to trundle around their homes on. Goods will be delivered directly to people’s homes by van or drone.
Dave McReady is an early adopter of the new online shopping experience. “I may have developed what basically amounts to bedsores by not shifting my lazy arse from my sofa this past 2 months, but I’ve bought my groceries, held business meetings over Skype, and watched a ton of porn without having to walk into Blockbuster Video to buy it like I used to in the 90’s. I’ve even got myself a mail-order bride from Thailand, she’s arriving in a couple of weeks. Will I be taking her to a fancy restaurant? No need, I’ve got a Deliveroo account.”
Our interview is cut short by a frantic beeping sound from Dave’s tablet. “Sorry, I need to sort this out. Looks like a pigeon’s got into my Drone Port again. Alexa: activate bird scarer and disinfectant!”