Tag Archives: #publife

Pub crawls ‘shite’

New evidence suggests that pub crawls are not in the least bit fun and are, in fact, shite.

The editorial team at The Bluelands Gazette travelled to a typical English town in order to full immerse ourselves in the fine art of this popular tradition and spoke to a number of fellow drinkers on the way.

Ryan, 30, is a committed drinker who dislikes limiting himself to just one watering hole in any given evening.  “Why sit in one nice pub to drink when you can drag your mates round loads of them?” he points out. “We get a cab into town every Saturday night at about 7 and start with a couple of pints in The Red Lion.  Then we nip next door to the King’s Head for another pint.  We then visit The Fleece and Firkin, The Lamb and Flag, The Green Man, O’Malleys, and then have a couple of whisky chasers at The Fork in the Road.  By the time we get kicked out of The Fork in the Road for starting a fight we’re 50 quid down each and we smell of pickled onion crisps. It’s what Saturday night are made for.  Although we have been barred from The Fork now, to be fair.”

However Tommo, 33, is less keen.  “The first pub is fine. You get a table early doors, take off your coat, scarf and gloves, and settle in.  Then before you’ve finished your first drink the others are urging you to drink up.  So you gulp the last few mouthfuls while they’re putting their coats on and edging toward the door. You traipse in the freezing cold to the next pub but there’s nowhere to sit, so you stand at the bar with your coat, scarf and gloves on the floor.  This happens another 6 times during the evening.  By the end your coat has been trodden on so much you look like a tramp. Why couldn’t we just stay in the first pub?”

On our pub crawl The Gazette lost 3 gloves and a laptop between us, and someone chucked a kebab at Allie.  We can confirm that pub crawls are shite.

Pub waiters just f*cking with you, it has emerged

Waiting staff at local pubs get through the day mainly by fucking with the customers, new research shows.

The research, carried out over a decade and employing a mixed methodologies approach including surveys, semi-structured interviews and participant-observation, was published today in Bartenders and Publicans Monthly. A staggering 89% of pub wait staff admitted that their primary source of job satisfaction was fucking with the customers.

Tracey James, a waitress at a local pub in South London, was typical: “Our pub has a policy of not leaving cutlery or condiments on tables or at stations accessible to customers. We tell people this is to prevent waste, but actually we just do it for shits and giggles. It means that we can bring you your piping hot plate of food, place it ceremoniously in front of you, then leave you staring at it for 10 minutes while we disappear to get you cutlery or a miniscule ramekin of ketchup. By the time we have returned from our fag break with the essential missing items, your food will be stone cold. The look of confused disappointment takes the sting out of the tip-free minimum-wage shit-a-thon of our 12 hour shifts.”

Pub customer and self-proclaimed ‘urban survivalist’ Ray Smith said “Joke’s on them. I always carry a spork and a few sachets of mayo and mustard in my utility belt. You never know when you might get stranded between South Bermondsey and London Bridge and have to resort to cannibalism. Wouldn’t want to face that scenario without a choice of English and French mustard.”