The beautiful snowy scenery of the past few days are now making way for an altogether different kind of wintry sight. The pretty glitter of snowflakes has turned into a thick brown muddy gunk that gets absolutely bloody everywhere.
Experts at the Met Office are predicting record levels of slush to hit parts of the UK throughout the weekend. “Our advice is to not travel unless absolutely necessary”, said a spokesman. “If you must go out, wear dark brown boots and dark jeans. Invest in an absorbent doormat, preferably dark brown in colour. If you have pale carpets they’ll probably be ruined despite your best efforts. You should have bought dark brown ones.”
Carpet retailers are anticipating a bumper March. Carpet salesman Tony, from Wilmslow, is looking forward to a month spent comforting annoyed homeowners needing to replace mud-caked Axminsters. “That stuff will turn up in places you least expect it to”, explains Tony. “You’ll think you’ve stamped all the slush off your boots, and they’re all nice and clean, then when you look back you’ll see a trail of icy blobs melting rapidly into your gorgeous wool twist. It’ll even turn up in the bedroom. Bizarre.”
Extended January sales finished at the end of February so if you want new carpet now, advise retailers, you’ll have to pay full price.