Street food contains more bacteria than a public toilet

It’s 3pm on a Saturday afternoon in London’s Brick Lane, and the street is thronging with punters happily tucking into little polystyrene tubs of rice-based fork food.  The aroma that fills the air is a heady mix of spices, grilled meats and diesel fumes.  However, the exotic romance of this food-lovers paradise conceals a dark secret.  Those gigantic metal cooking pans with tiny handles on the sides aren’t as innocent as they look.

According to a study out today by The University of Tewkesbury, street food is full of the most disgusting shit imaginable, and we’re not just referring to those weird spongey bits of chicken in the paella.

Chef/ minimum wage pan stirrer, Armando, loads up a tub of Thai Green Curry and shoves a wooden spork into it.  “I’ve sneezed into that twice”, he admits, handing it to me.  “I’ve got a nasty cold but I need the money so I’m working a full shift today.  I try not to make my coughing too obvious, and most people are oblivious anyway because they’re busy Instagramming the food.  That’ll be ten quid please.”

Hannah is stirring a massive black pan on the next stall.  “I caught a pigeon wading through the Nasi Goreng earlier.  I hit it with my spatula and it flew off with its feet stained yellow.  There’s nothing we can do about it.”

Lab tests have revealed that the possibility of catching food poisoning, cholera or AIDS is worryingly high.  Advice for foodies is to get themselves vaccinated as if they were a gap year student embarking on a round-the-world trip.

British tourist steals mosaic tiles from Pompeii relic to decorate new bathroom

A woman has been arrested by Italian police after being caught stealing mosaic pieces from the floor of an important historical site.  According to a local police spokesman, in her statement she claimed that her interior designer back in the UK couldn’t find any tiles she liked, despite the brief being to find something ‘that evokes the aesthetic of ancient Italianate interior design with a hint of 70’s decadence’.  Pompeii police found dozens of the priceless artefacts in her bag.

The statement, leaked exclusively to The Bluelands Gazette, reads: “Why shouldn’t I have exactly what I want in my bathroom?  I’ve paid a lot of money already for the basins and taps and showers, and I expect a high level of service.  I suggested to my designer that she might want to think about raiding a UNESCO World Heritage site to get the look I want, but all I got from her was a load of ‘can’t be bothered’ attitude.”

We tracked down the interior designer in question who wearily told us that the woman, who is receiving British consular assistance but has not yet been named, has been a total ball ache to deal with.  “She couldn’t decide from brochure pictures what she wanted, so she insisted on us ordering the entire bathroom and delivering it to her free of charge so she could touch it and breathe all over it and then decide whether she wanted it or not.  And then take it away if she didn’t like it.  Then she comes out with this ridiculous idea about the bloody mosaic tiles.”

The designer continues. “I hope she gets thrown into an Italian prison and has to eat boiled pasta every day until her arse is the size of her new sofa that I spent 3 months sourcing.”

Ill-informed political row on Facebook between friends hilarious to everyone else reading it

Social media users have admitted that the best thing about Facebook these days is watching a tense feud develop between friends on some trivial matter.

Northerners Paul, Colin and Twisty have been unwittingly amusing Harpreet’s Southern friends for a couple of days with their blokey bluster and poor grasp of facts.  In a 3-way conversation peppered with annoying cliches like ‘At the end of the day’, ‘Let’s stick to the facts, guys’, and ‘I don’t want to sound rude, but’, what started out as a dull post from Paul about Brexit has turned into a full-scale bitchfest.

Harpreet wisely stepped away from the debate almost immediately, whilst the other 3 have consistently demonstrated what truly awful people they are.

Harpreet gives us some insight into the main players. “Paul is the kind of person who bombards his own newsfeed with borderline racism cleverly disguised as ‘banter’ about his football team’s rivalry with other football teams.  Colin invented a new swear word 3 days ago and is clearly very proud of his creativity because he keeps dropping it into his posts.  Twisty quotes words and phrases by stand-up comedians in a way that would suggest they’re actually his.  But it’s their passive-aggressive debate about Brexit that’s going on at the moment that’s really hilarious!”

The escalating argument has attracted a number of avid readers.  Harpreet’s work colleague Suzy sums it up. “It’s better than watching repeats of TOWIE.  I’ve never met these people but they’re on another planet. Gotta go, there’s a new post to read!”

Button pre-sets on microwave for defrosting random stuff never used by anyone, ever

The buttons one finds on a microwave that depict chicken portions, or a whole fish, or a bunch of broccoli are a complete waste of space, it has emerged.

A survey of microwave owners, in the largest study of it’s kind ever made, has found that not a single respondent had ever used the pre-set buttons.  What’s more, none of them can be arsed to read the instruction booklet to find out what they are meant to be for.  Microwave oven technologist Bob Thirsk says that microwaves are only ever used to re-heat leftovers and make the occasional milky hot drink.  “When asked in the survey how you would defrost some chicken breasts, most people replied that they’d put them in the microwave and make a wild stab about how long to do them for, and guess at the power level.  10 minutes at 10% seems to be the favoured method, which will result in hot steaming bits and still semi-frozen bits.  The rest said they’d just leave them on a plate on the draining board for a few hours.”

Thirsk agrees with the majority of comments made in the survey.  “To be honest, I haven’t got a clue what most of those buttons are for either.  My microwave has a button for rice.  Who the bloody hell cooks rice in a microwave?  And I’ve got a button for desserts.  But what kind of dessert?  How many portions?  Does it need cooking like a sponge pudding, or warmed up like custard?  What’s the difference in cooking temperature between sticky toffee pudding and poached salmon?  It makes no sense at all.  It’s mental.”

According to the survey, commissioned by the University of Tewkesbury, the most popular way of checking if food is properly cooked is by waiting for it to start bubbling/popping/steaming/exploding.  “That would do it”, agrees Thirsk.  “If you have to scrape it off the roof of the microwave, it’s definitely done.”

Police Officer guilty of ‘victim blaming’ after advising homeowners to install burgler alarm

Police Constable Sav Chaudhury of the Metropolitan Police has been inundated on Twitter by people angry at his recent crime prevention advice, which was offered in response to a recent spate of break-ins in the Hillingdon area.  In his latest tweet, the diligent cop advises that people should ensure that their windows and doors have good locks, and that a good quality burgler alarm is installed in high-risk areas.

Followers of the Met’s Twitter feed have hit out at what they see as ‘victim blaming’, which is a current on-trend response to well-intentioned logic.  “Why shudnt i leave my windows open wen i go out bloody filth lost touch wiv reality” (sic throughout) says one Twitter user.  Another Tweet, from a Robert McRobert, suggests that the modern police service is just a bunch of self-serving layabouts.  “This cop should know better.  It’s not my fault my laptop got nicked from my unlocked car. Can’t be arsed to catch crooks, that’s their problem.”

PC Chaudhury’s tweets have also ignited anger amongst many victim support groups.  “This officer needs to stop filling people’s heads with harmful notions”, insists Tiffany Brompton-Huws of The Victim Network. “Telling people to be careful and stay vigilant is unhelpful and downright dangerous.  What kind of precedent are they setting when they come out with such nonsense as ‘look both ways before crossing the road’ and ‘try to avoid walking alone at night through dark alleyways’?  Suddenly walking out into the road whilst texting and being hit by a car is entirely down to the stupid driver for not predicting it.  And there’s nothing wrong with flashing your iPhone XS about down the council estate.  People shouldn’t be thieves.”

Young labour slammed following Corbyn Hitler meme

Young Labour has come under fire today for tweeting a meme parodying Jeremy Corbyn’s reaction to the recent defection of 8 of his MPs to form a new Group in Parliament.

The meme takes a famous scene from the film ‘Downfall’ in which the Fuhrer bursts into an explosive rage upon receiving news that  he is about to lose military control of Berlin.  Young Labour tweeted a version of the meme in which Jeremy Corbyn (or Hitler, as he appears in the GIF) sends everyone out of his bunker except his inner circle of Seamus Milne, Chris Williamson, Len McClusky, Ken Livingstone and George Galloway.  He then launches into a tantrum at the news that members of his party have defected, and refers to the wayward MPs as ‘treacherous bastards’ and ‘contemptible minnow slugs’ that ‘must be crushed’.

A spokesperson for the Labour leader has issued the following statement:  “Jeremy apologises on behalf of the party for any offence caused by this tweet, and underlines that he is a lifelong nice man who is utterly appalled by the nasty things and is therefore in no way responsible.  He would like to make it clear that the 8 MPs have defected, and not defecated, as was reported on the BBC’s news website in an unfortunate typing error.  He also notes the ill-judged timing of the tweeted meme, which comes at a time of heightened sensitivity amongst many communities following the recent death of Swiss-German actor Bruno Ganz, who played the beleaguered Hitler/Corbyn character.”

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