Incessant radio play of new single guaranteed to put people off buying it

It has been revealed that radio stations that play a song constantly until listeners are sick to bloody death of it are damaging record sales at an unprecedented rate.

‘Somebody that I used to know’ by Gotye was played an estimated 97 million times during 2012 on BBC Radio 1 alone.  The album it featured on, Making Mirrors, didn’t even reach the UK’s Top 40 selling albums of 2012.

‘I really loved that song when I first heard it”, says Nathaniel Jimston of music blog HitMusicOnTheRadio. “I was considering buying the album purely on the strength of it.  But after hearing it every bastard hour of every day for 6 months I found myself fantasising about melting down every vinyl copy in existence into a giant solid lump and dropping it from 20,000 feet onto Radio 1’s headquarters.  In the end I decided it was more sensible to just not buy it.”

No mobile data at Clapham Junction due to vast black hole of existential anguish

Anyone who travels regularly through the UK’s busiest train station, Clapham Junction, will be only too aware of the peculiar lack of mobile data signal within a 100 metre radius of the area.

This strange anomaly has now been identified by paranormal researchers as being caused by a vortex of mental torment.  Head researcher, Hamish Baines, says that this oppressive vortex is literally sucking network signals out of the ether.  “We have found that, ironically, the frustration that commuters feel at the lack of signal is strengthening this manifestation exponentially and making the whole issue self-perpetuating.  Our sensitive instruments are capable at picking up even low-level apathy, but the silent desperation recently detected as commuters pass through has cast a dismal pall over the Battersea area.”

Baines is not optimistic about the matter being resolved any time soon. “Last year’s Southern Rail debacle cankered the Borley flange our weirdness radar and they are really bloody expensive to replace.”

Prince Philip takes on Presidency of Illuminati, expert confirms

Prince Philip is to take on the Presidency of the secretive Illuminati next month, The Bluelands Gazette can reveal. The news follows revelations that strange signs have been appearing in the St James’s Park area of Central London.

One such sign, pictured above on Birdcage Walk, clearly shows the All Seeing Eye – the millennia old symbol of the elite Illuminati group – pointing toward Buckingham Palace while a small black car points to the Palace of Westminster.  Responding to rumours surrounding photographs of the signs online, self-professed Illuminati expert Lee Harvey Icke said “This sign is conclusive proof that the Illuminati are active in the Buckingham Palace locale.  It is well established that the Presidency of the Illuminati rotates on a 3-year basis, with only the most senior figures of global power and influence eligible for the role.  Prince Philip’s recent step-back from public life makes him the ideal candidate to take over leadership of the secretive society.”

Internet commentators have also theorised that the lower half of the sign pokes fun at Parliamentarians, who are often referred to as “used car salesmen” by their true global overlords.  Icke, however, disagrees: “That strikes me as fairly far-fetched”, he said. “It probably just points people to the nearest taxi rank or something.”

A spokesperson for the Royal Household declined to comment.


Bric-a-Brac sales banned over fears other people’s crap may harbour dangerous organisms

What could be more British than a bric-a-brac sale in a local church hall?  At one English village this traditional pastime has been brought into the spotlight, raising questions about the safety of such events.

Organiser Ethel Mayliss of St. Luke’s Church in Hackthorne, Somerset, claims that Environmental Health Officers from her local council have slapped a ban on next Saturday’s sale, citing possible contamination caused by other people’s poor domestic hygiene.  “They say that unless we can prove that every single item for sale has been rigorously steam-cleaned to remove traces of all the gross crud that accumulates in other people’s homes, we must cancel the sale.  It’s utterly ridiculous.  I myself have a number of ropey old bits of tat I wish to sell, and I can guarantee that they were dusted in 1998.”

Alan Skinner of the Hackthorne Environmental Health Office explains that nobody ever believes their own junk harbours any bacteria. “But it does.  I’ve seen it in the lab, on pieces we bought undercover at a previous sale. We swabbed one china plate decorated with dolphins and the words ‘Greetings from Malta 1972’ and it contained dozens of different types of bacteria, 2 of which were previously unknown to science.  I nearly puked when I saw the Petri dish.”

Disappointed sellers are being advised to cut their losses and chuck their shitty souvenirs in the bin instead.

Yorkshireman disappointed that London train station toilets now free to use

For years visitors from the North of England travelling to London have been appalled that the majority of public toilets in the City and in major railway stations have charged an entry fee. “Are you seriously telling me that after paying nearly £200 to travel from Wakefield to King’s Cross, Network Rail have the gall to fleece me 50p for a piss?” said approximately 500,000 letters of complaint received in the last quarter alone.

A Network Rail executive, speaking on condition of anonymity, said “We introduced the pay-to-use powder room system as a way of plugging one of the many financial black holes facing our national railway infrastructure.  However, across 15 years of these fees,  our data showed the system had cost us on average £1.5million a year more than the income generated.  The main cost was down to excessive cleaning bills as a result of irate northerners defecating on the concourse in protest.”

Network Rail confirmed in a press release last week that toilets at all of the stations it manages in the Capital would become free-to-use with immediate effect.

A spokesperson for the Rail Passengers’ Association said “Passengers have overwhelmingly welcomed this about-face from Network Rail. Last year, at the height of the Southern Rail crisis, we heard from passengers who had been stuck on trains for 15, sometimes 18 hours between Herne Hill and Brixton. None of the carriages on that route are fitted with toilets, and upon arrival at Victoria it was… well, The Sun drew a comparison with Passchendaele.”

However, self-styled ‘Open Air Piss Artist’ James Taylor, 58, from Halifax, says “For most people, I admit, a free public facility is most welcome. However, when I were a lad we had to use a privy up the garden, and the feel of howling wind about my nethers is a nostalgic treat redolent of boyhood innocence.” Taylor adds “The fact of the matter is up in Halifax public conveniences are both prevalent and free, which for me is something of an inconvenience, if you’ll pardon the pun”.

Taylor says that travelling into London in the winter months, and taking advantage of the exorbitant prices of the Capital’s lavatories as quasi-moral justification for public urination, was a favourite pastime. “At first people do wonder if you’re a few shafts short of a pit when they see you having a piddle on Platform 8 at King’s Cross, but once they learn I’m a Yorkshireman they usually conclude I’m just a miser making a point,” says Taylor. “At close to £300 return it’s actually quite a spendthrift way to get a thrill.” The pissoir-savant sighs. “I suppose all good things come to an end.”



Likening non-vegans to cold-blooded murderers actually quite offensive, say murderers

Convicted murderers up and down the country have reacted angrily to vegans’ claims that meat-eaters are like them, says The Murderers Society of Great Britain.  Society spokesman Karl Kalliendis said yesterday, “As recent news headlines have shown, vegans are harassing their non-vegan friends and acquaintances for eating meat in a desperate bid to appear morally superior.  These people are resorting to slanderous accusations of being an accessory to torture and killing.  We are are massively pissed off about it.”

Celebrated serial killer Geoffrey Nighy, currently serving 4 life sentences for a number of sadistic killings in the 1990’s, recently wrote a letter of support to Amelia Snade* of Tunbridge Wells.  Says Nighy “Being a serial killer requires a dedicated, hands-on approach. People like Amelia don’t know the first thing about murder.  It’s a shame her vegan friends are being such shrieky-voiced nimbys about it.  I’ve told her that if she wants her friends dealt with humanely, I’ve got contacts on the outside who can take care of it.”

We also asked The Rapists Society of Great Britain for a comment on how they feel about being likened to people who enjoy milk in their Earl Grey, but they didn’t understand the question, and neither did we really, so we just left it.

*name has been changed to protect her from furious vegans


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