Category Archives: National News

this just in

Gluten-free website to review cookie policy

A specialist online supplier of foods aimed at those with gluten allergies and intolerances has been criticised today for forcing visitors to its website to accept non gluten-free cookies to continue browsing.

Website founder Ben Anderson, who is considering suing the company employed to construct his website, has called for better labelling of of cookies by website developers from the outset and is concerned with how Britain’s exit from the EU could affect his customers.

“Who knows what will happen once this country no longer has to conform the EU food labelling rules?  Everyone is aware of computer viruses but it’s not obvious when accepting cookies that you could be allowing allergens to infect your device.”

Disgruntled coeliacs and IBS sufferers took to Twitter to express anger over what many see as a potentially lethal error.  The hashtags #Crumbs! and #BiscuitWars have been trending this week, although the latter has been mainly taken over by Twitter users misunderstanding the issue and pitting the likes the Garibaldi against the Custard Cream.

North of England to become South East’s personal landfill site after Brexit

Plans to turn northern England into a massive landfill site and recycling plant are nearing completion as Britain prepares to exit from the European Union on 31st January.  The Bluelands Gazette can reveal that areas of outstanding natural beauty are ready to receive hundreds of thousands of tons of London and the South East’s domestic and commercial waste on a continual basis.

The nation’s recycling, which is currently loaded onto ships and transported to Europe for recycling, will no longer be handled in this way once Britain has left the EU.  Instead it will be dumped in hundreds of specially designated areas stretching from Birmingham to Carlisle, where it will be offloaded from trucks, ploughed into the ground, and picked over by millions of seagulls.

The government admits that the UK has very limited resources for waste management on such a vast scale, so most of the dumped plastics, glass, metals and cardboard will pile up in festering heaps rendering many popular picnic spots unsuitable for al fresco snacking.

A bold advertising campaign, aimed at thanking the north for agreeing to be London’s personal midden, will inform northerners that sacrificing places such as the Lake District, the Pennines and County Durham is the very epitome of the Dunkirk spirit so espoused by Brexiteers.

Masterchef: nobody cares what Gregg Wallace thinks

Nobody gives a toss what gobby gastro-tool Gregg Wallace thinks about the food dished up by Masterchef contestants, it has emerged.  Contestants, viewers and Marcus Wareing all agree that Wallace’s opinions count for diddly-squat, because he isn’t actually a chef.

We spoke to past contestant David.  “I cooked a 2 Michelin star-worthy appetiser after learning how to make really delicate seafood dishes at the best restaurant in Europe”, says David.  “The baldy bellend shoved it in his mouth and commented on the ‘smash of oyster’ in a decibel level rivalling that of a pneumatic drill. Pearls before swine, I’m afraid.”

Masterchef producers insist that viewers see Gregg Wallace as the voice of the layman who is able to cut through the pomposity that can surround top-level cuisine. However a BBC spokesman admitted yesterday that he may yet be surplus to requirements.  “This is clearly a man more at home with a Ginster’s pasty and a pint of mild, not essence of tomatoes or miniature pickled vegetables.  Unless his food has been dipped in breadcrumbs and deep-fried in month old chip fat he’s not going to be able to comprehend it on any level.”

The current series of Masterchef The Professionals rumbles to a close this month, with Gregg Wallace making his final appearance of the series toward the end, after his screentime being subtly phased out during the semi-finals.

Premier Inns not the haunt of glamorous jetset, despite what TV ads suggest

Budget UK hotel chain Premier Inn, famous for it’s identikit bedrooms and vending machines that have ground-breakingly replaced dinner with Mini Cheddars and Kit-Kats, is not as glamorous as has been suggested.  This controversial claim has been made by anyone who has ever booked a room based on what Premier Inn’s TV advertising appears to promise.

Customer Steve, from Llandudno, says he stayed in a Birmingham branch with his wife, and was disappointed with the lack of exclusive VIP parties at the venue.  “We saw an ad on TV that made it look like the kind of place favoured by minor royalty, or at least the cast of Made in Chelsea”, explains Steve.  “Me and the missus were looking forward to a night in the hotel’s casino, after a 10-course tasting menu with the sommelier’s choice of fine wines.  We ended up in our room sharing a KFC Bargain Bucket in front of The Antiques Roadshow.”

Jaclyn from Crewkerne’s review on Trip Advisor is similarly scathing. “We arrived to find a tramp sleeping in the doorway, and a group of guests checking in wearing grey suits, and another group of men in Hawaiian shorts and t-shirts with cartoon penisis on the front.  We quickly realised that we were sharing a floor with a group of vinyl flooring sales reps and and some lads on a 2 day bender.”

Premier Inn have released a statement denying that their value-for-money hotels contain casinos or host guestlist-only pool parties.  Or have a pool.

Sir Lenny Henry was unavailable for comment.

BBC iPlayer still operating on Windows 98, confirm sources

It has emerged today that the UK’s flagship streaming and catch-up service, BBC iPlayer, is still operating on Windows 98.  This will come as a blow to hard-up Brits whose only glimmer of enjoyment in life is catching up on DIY SOS.

Angry licence payers have bombarded social media with complaints about how crap iPlayer actually is for the £147 the licence fee currently costs.  “I’m not surprised by this revelation”, says one Twitter user.  “Trying to navigate the menu screen makes me want to disembowel myself with steak knives.  Response times are measurable on a Jovian calendar.  I usually whip up a snack once I’ve hit ‘play’ because I know I’ll be back from the kitchen by the time it’s finished buffering and I’ll be able to watch the first 5 minutes all over again.”

“Don’t use this leak as an excuse to protest against paying your licence fee, or you’ll face a £1,000 fine”, a BBC source told us.  “Demanding money with menaces is what we’re good at.  We’ll send the detector van round and force our way into your homes like a bailiff on speed if you’ve ‘forgotten’ to cough up the moolah. It’s basically a protection racket.  You didn’t hear that from me, though.”

In yet another cost-cutting exercise, the Beeb’s latest move is to scrap free licences for the over 75’s in order to free up money to make daytime favourites like Lorraine Kelly’s Penguin Fetish, and Pro-Am Pipe Lagging with Bruno Brookes.  Our BBC source tells us,  “We’re telling the press that we want to fund more expensive drama like The Bodyguard, or The Night Porter, but that’s bollocks.  We’re just going to stick with the usual rubbish like Fatal Camping Accidents from Hell.  Stacey Dooley’s lined up to present that from a campsite known to be lethal.  Well, we can’t keep renewing her contract since she appeared on Strictly because we can’t afford her now.”

The customer is always right, and other popular misconceptions

Let’s be clear.  The customer is very rarely right.  The misapprehension that companies should always give their customers what they demand, when they demand it, has been used to the advantage of many an arsehole over the past 5 decades.  As a result, the relationship between customer and service provider in the 21st century is like that of a skilled extortionist and a powerless serf, with the customer wielding power like a giant baseball bat, ready to brain the unsuspecting salesperson with their skewed interpretation of The Consumer Rights Act 2015.

But this wasn’t the only nonsensical statement hammered into the public consciousness back in the day.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day:  No it isn’t. It’s the most useless meal of the day unless you are a growing child or an elite athlete.  The notion dates from the 1950’s and was cooked up by the Egg Marketing Board in a bid to sell more eggs.  These days breakfast is a Pain au Chocolat and a quart of sugary latte, specially designed for you to fall asleep at your desk at 3pm when your blood sugar plummets.

Form follows function:  What does this even mean?  This pretentious epithet is bleated by people who think they know something about design, but it still doesn’t explain why Polo Mints have a hole in the middle, or why the label on a bottle of Angostura bitters is 3 times too big for the bottle.  Or why trainers are white.