A survey of the entire UK outside of the M25 has revealed that 82% of people who have never lived in London consider it their moral duty to tell Londoners that they live in a shithole.
The survey was commissioned by think-tank Sceptered Isle, who aim to convince as many Londoners as possible that their city is absolutely heinous. Says Sceptered Isle spokesman Ted Havershaw, from Stoke-on-Trent, “I’ve never lived in London myself, and I wouldn’t want to. In fact I’ve only been to Wembley a few times for the football. But it’s very obvious to me by looking out of the train window that the bit of London I have seen is really horrible.” Mr Havershaw continues, “I don’t understand why over 8 million people would actually choose to live there, with all it’s poncey culture and jobs and stuff.”
By a remarkable coincidence, Mr Havershaw voted to leave the EU in the Brexit vote. “It’s London’s fault the country is in this mess”, he countered. Unfortunately he was unable to elaborate on any aspect of this statement in a coherent way, so we are unable to offer any explanation for the remark.
However, perhaps the last word should go to Jamie Samms, of rival think-tank and London promoters Londiniumville. “I’ve been to Stoke-on-Trent. I honestly thought I’d stumbled into a British remake of The Hills Have Eyes.”
There’s a crisis happening right now as we bowl up to the dairy counter at popular middle-class hangout Waitrose. They’ve run out of Reblochon.
A middle-aged middle-class woman is having a go at the store manager. “How am I supposed to serve Tartiflette to my guests tonight without Reblochon?” she demands. Store manager Dave Johnson, who is technically working-class despite running a Waitrose, tries to make amends. “Since we started listing it as an Essential, we’ve run out until our next delivery. Everyone’s making Tartiflette. But I could do you a discount on our Essentials fondue set and some Gruyere and you could have a fondue party instead…” The irate customer considers the proposal for a moment. “Well, fondue is still a retro-chic trend on the right side of ironic”, she sighs. “Alright, I’ll take the fondue set, but I want a disproportionately high discount. And an extra set of forks.”
This typical scene is indicative of the supermarket’s mission to ensure it’s customers won’t be left without such staple ingredients any longer. In his office, Johnson pours us an Essentials Organic Fairtrade Lemon Verbena and Blue Agave leaf tea. “We realised our clientele had grown more demanding after the Himalayan Pink Salt riots of 2016”, he explains. “During the clear-up operation our product development team visited the store. As they stood behind the police tape surrounding the exclusion zone, they reassured me through a megaphone that plans were already in place to introduce many more SKUs to the Essentials range to ensure no further stock outages.”
If one good thing has come out of the Salt Riots that shocked a nation and razed 4 supermarkets to the ground, it’s knowing that later in the year shoppers can expect to see a constant supply of lavender sugar, Fairtrade ras-al-hanout and Scotch Bonnet antipasti all year round at the local branch of their favourite supermarket.
The latest crime statistics published for 2017 have shown that murder rates in the UK have plummeted to almost zero.
Although this may seem like good news, in fact homicide rates have increased by an inversely proportional amount. This national trend first became apparent around 3 years ago, when the BBC News started to refer to violent killings as homicides, in an apparent kick in the teeth to the English language.
Detective Chief Superintendent Juliet Carruthers of Greater Manchester Police claims that there were only 3 murders on her patch last year, compared with 14 homicides. “I don’t know why the British media have started using homicide instead of murder, this isn’t The bloody Wire. Although I’ve heard that we’re going to be re-named GMPD soon, so who knows where it will all end.”
Being hardworking, talented and respected by your colleagues is no longer guaranteed to get you further up the career ladder, confirm company bosses in a damning new report out today. The report suggests that only the most unpleasant, lazy, useless pricks will be enjoying the rewards of increased pay and status-affirming job titles this year.
“The key to career success these days is knowing whose arse to kiss in your organisation”, explains Marek Heaney, a Managing Director based in Swindon. “It will also benefit you to be narcissistic and manipulative, with a sociopathic ability to be appear charming and knowledgeable to your superiors whilst actually knowing naff all. We just want you to massage our egos and mislead us into thinking that your department would implode without you.”
Heaney acknowledges that this type of favouritism creates a toxic work environment that makes everyone else leave their job. “We don’t care. We’d rather spend an absolute fortune on recruitment than get the office psychopaths to toe the line. We’re scared of them.”
Celebrities who attempt to defend themselves against internet trolls and online social warriors have no right to do so, and need to be reminded of the fact.
This timely warning comes from an online watch group dedicated to keeping people in the public eye firmly in their place. “Just because someone is an actor, or a singer, or a TV presenter, it doesn’t give them the right to tweet things that some people might not agree with.” So says a spokesman from online watch group Guardians of Decency, who tweet anonymously, and who are keen to spread the word that celebrities are fair game when it comes to vitriolic criticism. “It doesn’t matter who you are… whether Hollywood elite, or a D-list reality show contestant. Or just a nobody who runs a charity. If you tweet something which some of your followers don’t agree with, or understand, you deserve to be publicly humiliated. Be prepared for your family to be hounded and your career ruined. Ordinary people have moral superiority over your opinions and every aspect of your life, so stop whining.”
British actor Dale Spindrift, better known as JJ in popular British soap EastStreet, recently hit the headlines after wishing his Twitter followers Happy Christmas. The seasonal greeting was re-tweeted over 8,000 times, as people who have never heard of him tweeted their anger at the blatant insult to devotees of other religions. “How dare this overpaid, privileged, successful actor ignore the 40% of the UK who aren’t Christian. This dangerous idiot shouldn’t be allowed to air his thoughts in public as he clearly has no regard for others. We liked him when he was posting GIFs of his cat bumping into things, but now he’s overstepped the mark.”
Our anonymous spokesman proudly admits to having joined in with the morally outraged who forced Spindrift to delete all his social media accounts and move house. The message to anyone in the public eye is clear: if you can’t say anything guaranteed to be inoffensive to everyone, don’t say anything at all.
Getting a decisive weather forecast from the Met Office these days is impossible, and it’s getting even more impossibler, say fans of the weather.
“Once upon a time when most people were children, the BBC would put out a long-range weather report covering 2-4 weeks, and which were pretty accurate most of the time”, says weather fan David. “Nowadays the Met Office only seem willing to predict up to 5 days ahead.” This typical report from last Tuesday is a prime example.
“Wednesday morning across England may be windy at times, with winds possibly gusting from the west or north-west, which could bring a drop in temperature. Clouds may clear in the afternoon to make way for some sunny spells, unless they don’t, in which case there may be scattered showers in some places. Any scattered showers may be quite heavy and cause localised flooding, or they may be very light and will clear to the east or west any time from late afternoon Wednesday into lunchtime on Friday. Here’s lovely picture of the sun by Hannah Tompkins, aged 7.”
A Met Office spokesman told us they’re scared of getting sued by farmers who harvest their crops at the wrong time due to dodgy forecasting. “When we get it wrong, which is between 40 and 90 percent of the time, we tend to blame it on a glitch in our computer system. No one understands our highly complex programs which analyse global weather patterns, including the I.T. department, who have to re-boot it when it goes down. In fact they had to turn it off and on again the other day when Angie clicked on a link telling her she’d won the Ghanaian national lottery. The firewall failed so we had to stand in the car-park and see how big the storm clouds were getting.”
The North Wessex Pig Farmers Association is suing the Met Office after 8 herds of Gloucester Old Spot pigs were struck by lightning in a single night. The Basingstoke Rib House is doing a ‘Buy 1 Get 3 Free’ meal deal until Sunday.