New evidence has come to light that has sent scientists, theologians and people reeling. Long thought by many to be a load of cobblers, the case for re-incarnation may now have to be re-examined, after secret lab tests on supermarket fruit suggest that deceased vegans may be sitting in your fruit bowl at home.
We met with practising Buddhist, Tristan Sparrow, who told us, “It’s what we have always suspected. Vegans are at one with nature and have been rewarded with the highest accolade the universe could bestow upon us; full transubstantiation from the human form, to the fruit form.” Sparrow meets us in his local vegan cafe seated cross-legged on a giant velvet cushion. The cafe may smell of B.O. and geranium leaves, but this self-confessed hippy has been gladly offering his support to fellow vegans, ever since the news broke. “This isn’t easy for people to take in. I’m here to show them that being eaten in the afterlife is perfectly natural.”
However, Doctor Kathryn Hartz from the University of Tewkesbury, is unconvinced. “This news is horrible, just horrible. I’ve had to chuck a punnet of peaches in the bin because I noticed one of them looked like my Uncle Kevin, who was a hardcore vegan. I nearly cut him in half and whacked his stone out with a knife.”
A stroll around the restaurants of London’s Covent Garden reveals a different mood altogether. The chefs we spoke to don’t seem bothered that they have spent their careers cooking with metaphysical lifeforms. “It’s all food, innit?” shrugs Carl Smith, a sous chef at a popular brasserie. “I have no problem with peeling and chopping vegans and baking them in a crumble. I might even wait until they’re dead.” He adds, “I’m joking by the way.”
Leading vegan author Olivia Shepherd is happy to eat her vegan ancestors. “The circle of life is complete. We will provide nourishment for other vegans, and non-vegans if we have to, after we’re gone. We’ll be keeping it ‘in the family’ so to speak.” We point out to her that this is technically cannibalism. She smiles. “Cannibalism in this case is justified by the means.”
Non-vegans are reportedly being re-incarnated as non-vegans, news of which has been gladly received by everyone.
It has been revealed that a low dosage of alcohol in the bloodstream at all times is the best way to guarantee happiness. “Due to the shitty weather we have in this country and the simple fact that most Brits hate their jobs, we need to do something to combat our innate sense of nihilism”, says Dr. Jemima Proulx of NGO The Happiness Forum. “A glass of wine or bottle of beer every hour, on the hour, will ensure the brain is kept at a level of sociable torpor that will make people respond positively to you. You will come across as affable, carefree, and a bit mental. This will make you popular and subsequently happy.”
The study, headed up by Dr Proulx, suggests that the effects of alcohol-induced likeability work the other way as well. The slightly pissed are far more likely to find people they normally can’t stand to be suddenly engaging and hilarious. If the other person is borderline mullered as well, a lasting friendship can form, for as long as the level of blood alcohol is maintained at just over the drink-drive limit.
However, Dr. Proulx adds a note of caution. “Your liver will be pretty much fucked by the time you’re 40.”
Amateur athletes who train for and compete in triathlons are unbelievably boring, suggests a damning report published today. The report reveals that these people think being a triathlete makes them appear fascinating and courageous to their work colleagues and complete strangers, but it apparently only underlines that they need a pointless activity to add meaning to their otherwise hollow lives.
Shirley Flapps, of The British Triathlon Society, has angrily refuted these claims. “Our members have reported a huge rise in perceived popularity when they tell others about their training regimes and daily calorific intake requirements. For example, one of our members told me that during a recent company training course, when each delegate was asked to introduce themselves to the group and mention one interesting fact about themselves, merely telling the others about his upcoming triathlon caused everyone to fall silent in rapt awe. So impressed were they with his lengthy explanation of how he hopes to lead a more meaningful life through the transformative power of an extreme physical challenge, that no one even spoke to him during the lunch break.”
TV licence payers have reacted angrily to news that the BBC will be peddling another pile of repeats and tired old formats over the festive period this year.
The big prime time schedule for Christmas Day includes The Gruffalo’s Child, Raymond Briggs’ The Snowman, a Bond film, a really long Harry Potter film, Winter Watch Live from Luton: Squirrel Special, a Morecombe and Wise Christmas Special from 1984, an obligatory special light entertainment Christmas Special, and the 38th remake of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.
This latest remake of the Dickens classic, starring Rory Kinnear as Bob Cratchit, Gemma Whelan as Mrs Cratchit and Toby Jones as Scrooge, will be inescapable at 8.00pm on Christmas Day. Olivia Coleman is probably in it as well. If you don’t fancy that, the alternative on BBC2 at the same time will be a 4 hour ballet filmed live in Rome a few years ago. There will be a film on late at night that you would actually like to watch, but you’ll be too tired and drunk to stay up.
Fans of the Third Reich will be pleased to hear that BBC4 will be helping us ring in the new year with 6 hours of festive documentary series Hitler and The Final Solution on New Years Eve.
Giving up your job and becoming a full time landlord of your very own property portfolio is a dream many of us aspire to. With house prices set to continue rising at an alarming rate in London and the South east, smug people who started buying up properties before prices went completely doolally are opting to rent them out for as much money as possible, in a bid to become extremely wealthy. However, many of these landlords are beginning to feel the pinch as tenants become ever more demanding about health and safety.
“One of my tenants is insisting that the bare wires hanging out of the light switch in the kitchen is dangerous, and that I pay for an electrician to fix it. It’s ridiculous; I’ve told her if she doesn’t touch them she’ll be fine. Anyway I’m going over there tomorrow to stick some gaffer tape round them to shut her up.” So says Margate landlord Janusz Beloc. “I’ve got a portfolio of 11 properties and every single one of my tenants has moaned about something. One of them reckons the mouldy wall in his bathroom is giving him pneumonia. I’ve told him, as long as he holds his breath when he’s standing near it he’ll be alright, probably.”
Perhaps being a landlord is not all it’s cracked up to be. Landlordlady Shaz Fisher believes her Hounslow tenants have been mis-using her roof. “They say that some roof tiles fell off during a storm and now rainwater is leaking into the fuse box in the hallway. I say they have clearly failed to maintain the roof properly and have caused the tiles to fall off due to carelessness. I’m going to have to put their rent up to cover the repair bill.”
Jasper Maitland of The Landlord’s Advice Bureau UK says that landlords should consider evicting tenants who tell them that something needs fixing. “They’re just troublemakers who will bleed you dry financially”, says Maitland. “Kick them out and keep their deposit. You’ll need that deposit when you book your skiing holiday in Val d’Isere to get over the upset of having the little hooligans trying to extort money from you.”
Parents with questionable morals who use their children to make a political point are putting them at risk of serious boredom, says a leading child psychologist.
Bringing small children on a march to enhance your own sense of self-righteous family unity, particularly in front of TV news crews, is a pointless exercise that will only serve to indoctrinate your child into your narrow-minded politics and bore them rigid. Says Dr. Wendy Mendoza, “A noisy, angry demonstration is no place for a child. Parents seem to think that their chosen movement will gain a groundswell of support from onlookers moved to tears at the sight of an innocent 6-year old juxtaposed against a dystopian nightmare of an imagined future. But everyone watching knows that these parents are just being selfish twats.”
Continues Mendoza, “Your kids are not, as you believe, fervent supporters of your ideals. They’re just going along with it because it’s fun to shout slogans at passers-by whilst waving a banner they helped you make. Once they’ve seen you being verbally abused by strangers and their legs ache, the novelty will wear off surprisingly quickly.”