Category Archives: National News

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Promotion will only be awarded to company’s biggest arseholes, confirm bosses

Being hardworking, talented and respected by your colleagues is no longer guaranteed to get you further up the career ladder, confirm company bosses in a damning new report out today.  The report suggests that only the most unpleasant, lazy, useless pricks will be enjoying the rewards of increased pay and status-affirming job titles this year.

“The key to career success these days is knowing whose arse to kiss in your organisation”, explains Marek Heaney, a Managing Director based in Swindon.  “It will also benefit you to be narcissistic and manipulative, with a sociopathic ability to be appear charming and knowledgeable to your superiors whilst actually knowing naff all. We just want you to massage our egos and mislead us into thinking that your department would implode without you.”

Heaney acknowledges that this type of favouritism creates a toxic work environment that makes everyone else leave their job. “We don’t care. We’d rather spend an absolute fortune on recruitment than get the office psychopaths to toe the line.  We’re scared of them.”

Celebrities must accept public criticism for everything they say and do

Celebrities who attempt to defend themselves against internet trolls and online social warriors have no right to do so, and need to be reminded of the fact.

This timely warning comes from an online watch group dedicated to keeping people in the public eye firmly in their place.  “Just because someone is an actor, or a singer, or a TV presenter, it doesn’t give them the right to tweet things that some people might not agree with.”  So says a spokesman from online watch group Guardians of Decency, who tweet anonymously, and who are keen to spread the word that celebrities are fair game when it comes to vitriolic criticism.  “It doesn’t matter who you are… whether Hollywood elite, or a D-list reality show contestant.  Or just a nobody who runs a charity.  If you tweet something which some of your followers don’t agree with, or understand, you deserve to be publicly humiliated.  Be prepared for your family to be hounded and your career ruined.  Ordinary people have moral superiority over your opinions and every aspect of your life, so stop whining.”

British actor Dale Spindrift, better known as JJ in popular British soap EastStreet, recently hit the headlines after wishing his Twitter followers Happy Christmas.  The seasonal greeting was re-tweeted over 8,000 times, as people who have never heard of him tweeted their anger at the blatant insult to devotees of other religions.  “How dare this overpaid, privileged, successful actor ignore the 40% of the UK who aren’t Christian. This dangerous idiot shouldn’t be allowed to air his thoughts in public as he clearly has no regard for others.  We liked him when he was posting GIFs of his cat bumping into things, but now he’s overstepped the mark.”

Our anonymous spokesman proudly admits to having joined in with the morally outraged who forced Spindrift to delete all his social media accounts and move house.  The message to anyone in the public eye is clear: if you can’t say anything guaranteed to be inoffensive to everyone, don’t say anything at all.

Weather forecasters strangely vague despite advances in meteorology

Getting a decisive weather forecast from the Met Office these days is impossible, and it’s getting even more impossibler, say fans of the weather.

“Once upon a time when most people were children, the BBC would put out a long-range weather report covering 2-4 weeks, and which were pretty accurate most of the time”, says weather fan David.  “Nowadays the Met Office only seem willing to predict up to 5 days ahead.”  This typical report from last Tuesday is a prime example.

“Wednesday morning across England may be windy at times, with winds possibly gusting from the west or north-west, which could bring a drop in temperature.  Clouds may clear in the afternoon to make way for some sunny spells, unless they don’t, in which case there may be scattered showers in some places. Any scattered showers may be quite heavy and cause localised flooding, or they may be very light and will clear to the east or west any time from late afternoon Wednesday into lunchtime on Friday.  Here’s lovely picture of the sun by Hannah Tompkins, aged 7.”

A Met Office spokesman told us they’re scared of getting sued by farmers who harvest their crops at the wrong time due to dodgy forecasting.  “When we get it wrong, which is between 40 and 90 percent of the time, we tend to blame it on a glitch in our computer system.  No one understands our highly complex programs which analyse global weather patterns, including the I.T. department, who have to re-boot it when it goes down.  In fact they had to turn it off and on again the other day when Angie clicked on a link telling her she’d won the Ghanaian national lottery.  The firewall failed so we had to stand in the car-park and see how big the storm clouds were getting.”

The North Wessex Pig Farmers Association is suing the Met Office after 8 herds of Gloucester Old Spot pigs were struck by lightning in a single night.  The Basingstoke Rib House is doing a ‘Buy 1 Get 3 Free’ meal deal until Sunday.

Your Swiss cheeseplant will ruin your life

Looking after a cheeseplant is not the simple job many people think it is, say horticulturalists.  And with the festive season in full swing, many garden centres and florists will be seeing a last minute rush on these popular Christmas gifts.

“A cheeseplant is for life, not just for Christmas”, warns Oliver Tummock of the National Cheeseplant Information Bureau.

75% triffid and 25% psychopath, the cheeseplant is hell-bent on gaining control of your living room, house, and eventually the street you live on.  Tummock advises owners to keep the leafy plant chained up and to play it ambient techno at least 3 times a week to keep it in optimum condition.

“And for crying out loud don’t let it make friends with any Japanese Knotweed.  A and E departments are full enough at this time of year.”

People who wear rucksacks on the tube to be handed on-the-spot fines

Transport for London have launched a new initiative aimed at reducing the number of rucksack related injuries on the London Underground.

“Most passengers will, at some point during their day, experience a moron with a complete lack of spatial awareness clobbering them with a massive rucksack strapped to their back”, explains Head of Baggage Enforcement for TFL, Mark Sanderson.  “Why a London commuter would think that rugged camping equipment is a suitable part of their business attire is frankly beyond me, but we will be taking direct action.  Plain clothes Baggage Enforcement Officers will be riding the tube network during peak hours and will hand out on-the-spot fines to anyone flouting new rules. Research has shown that the average sized ruscksack worn on the back takes up as much space as a person, and being twatted in the face whilst seated is a very real issue for many passengers.”

Commuter groups are angry with the news.  Rucksack user Jonty Hambling told us, “It’s so totally not fair.  My Kevlar polar explorer’s rucksack is vital for carrying my desk diary, pens, iPad and sandwiches.  How am I supposed to navigate the punishing environment of the Circle line when I have to take it off and carry it down by my side? I’m appalled.”

Rucksack users are advised to remove them and put them on the floor to avoid a fifty pound ticket, or twenty-five if paid within 14 days.

New game: try to guess who’s the mutual friend in the ‘People you may know’ bar on Facebook

Scroll down on your Facebook newsfeed with a few flicks of your thumb.  It won’t be long before you are confronted with a rogues’ gallery of people you don’t know in the ‘People you may know’ bar.  The chances of you even having met any of these people is remote, but Facebook still seems to think you’re desperate to be friends with any old humanoid their algorithm has come up with.

What’s even odder is that some of them will have a friend who is mutual to you both.  You won’t know who it is without clicking on their mugshots, but it’s fun to try and guess.

Our office team here at The Bluelands Gazette have been doing it all week.  Reporter Allie Bourne has scored the highest so far, with 6 correct guesses out of a possible 11 suggested profile pics.  “I had no idea my friends knew so many weirdos”, says Allie.  “I’ve never met the bloke with the purple Mohican and cobweb facial tattoo, I thought he might be mates with Mickey Fish who used to work down the morgue.  Turns out he’s my nan’s street dance teacher.”

Editor-in-Chief Laurie Hepworth has done well too.  “There was this picture of a woman wearing a hand-knitted beanie, a nose ring, and holding a cucumber.  She looked like she might be a vegan, which would make our mutual friend Mollie Nutbutter, who is a rampant vegan.  I was right, and the cucumber is a re-incarnation of her granddad.”