Category Archives: National News

this just in

Bric-a-Brac sales banned over fears other people’s crap may harbour dangerous organisms

What could be more British than a bric-a-brac sale in a local church hall?  At one English village this traditional pastime has been brought into the spotlight, raising questions about the safety of such events.

Organiser Ethel Mayliss of St. Luke’s Church in Hackthorne, Somerset, claims that Environmental Health Officers from her local council have slapped a ban on next Saturday’s sale, citing possible contamination caused by other people’s poor domestic hygiene.  “They say that unless we can prove that every single item for sale has been rigorously steam-cleaned to remove traces of all the gross crud that accumulates in other people’s homes, we must cancel the sale.  It’s utterly ridiculous.  I myself have a number of ropey old bits of tat I wish to sell, and I can guarantee that they were dusted in 1998.”

Alan Skinner of the Hackthorne Environmental Health Office explains that nobody ever believes their own junk harbours any bacteria. “But it does.  I’ve seen it in the lab, on pieces we bought undercover at a previous sale. We swabbed one china plate decorated with dolphins and the words ‘Greetings from Malta 1972’ and it contained dozens of different types of bacteria, 2 of which were previously unknown to science.  I nearly puked when I saw the Petri dish.”

Disappointed sellers are being advised to cut their losses and chuck their shitty souvenirs in the bin instead.

Yorkshireman disappointed that London train station toilets now free to use

For years visitors from the North of England travelling to London have been appalled that the majority of public toilets in the City and in major railway stations have charged an entry fee. “Are you seriously telling me that after paying nearly £200 to travel from Wakefield to King’s Cross, Network Rail have the gall to fleece me 50p for a piss?” said approximately 500,000 letters of complaint received in the last quarter alone.

A Network Rail executive, speaking on condition of anonymity, said “We introduced the pay-to-use powder room system as a way of plugging one of the many financial black holes facing our national railway infrastructure.  However, across 15 years of these fees,  our data showed the system had cost us on average £1.5million a year more than the income generated.  The main cost was down to excessive cleaning bills as a result of irate northerners defecating on the concourse in protest.”

Network Rail confirmed in a press release last week that toilets at all of the stations it manages in the Capital would become free-to-use with immediate effect.

A spokesperson for the Rail Passengers’ Association said “Passengers have overwhelmingly welcomed this about-face from Network Rail. Last year, at the height of the Southern Rail crisis, we heard from passengers who had been stuck on trains for 15, sometimes 18 hours between Herne Hill and Brixton. None of the carriages on that route are fitted with toilets, and upon arrival at Victoria it was… well, The Sun drew a comparison with Passchendaele.”

However, self-styled ‘Open Air Piss Artist’ James Taylor, 58, from Halifax, says “For most people, I admit, a free public facility is most welcome. However, when I were a lad we had to use a privy up the garden, and the feel of howling wind about my nethers is a nostalgic treat redolent of boyhood innocence.” Taylor adds “The fact of the matter is up in Halifax public conveniences are both prevalent and free, which for me is something of an inconvenience, if you’ll pardon the pun”.

Taylor says that travelling into London in the winter months, and taking advantage of the exorbitant prices of the Capital’s lavatories as quasi-moral justification for public urination, was a favourite pastime. “At first people do wonder if you’re a few shafts short of a pit when they see you having a piddle on Platform 8 at King’s Cross, but once they learn I’m a Yorkshireman they usually conclude I’m just a miser making a point,” says Taylor. “At close to £300 return it’s actually quite a spendthrift way to get a thrill.” The pissoir-savant sighs. “I suppose all good things come to an end.”



Likening non-vegans to cold-blooded murderers actually quite offensive, say murderers

Convicted murderers up and down the country have reacted angrily to vegans’ claims that meat-eaters are like them, says The Murderers Society of Great Britain.  Society spokesman Karl Kalliendis said yesterday, “As recent news headlines have shown, vegans are harassing their non-vegan friends and acquaintances for eating meat in a desperate bid to appear morally superior.  These people are resorting to slanderous accusations of being an accessory to torture and killing.  We are are massively pissed off about it.”

Celebrated serial killer Geoffrey Nighy, currently serving 4 life sentences for a number of sadistic killings in the 1990’s, recently wrote a letter of support to Amelia Snade* of Tunbridge Wells.  Says Nighy “Being a serial killer requires a dedicated, hands-on approach. People like Amelia don’t know the first thing about murder.  It’s a shame her vegan friends are being such shrieky-voiced nimbys about it.  I’ve told her that if she wants her friends dealt with humanely, I’ve got contacts on the outside who can take care of it.”

We also asked The Rapists Society of Great Britain for a comment on how they feel about being likened to people who enjoy milk in their Earl Grey, but they didn’t understand the question, and neither did we really, so we just left it.

*name has been changed to protect her from furious vegans

GNVQ in bricklaying to include module on casual sexual harassment

The Department for Education has announced plans to introduce a module on sexual harassment to the GNVQ in bricklaying, as part of its strategy to make British construction workers the most misogynistic in the world, it has emerged today.

A source for the DfE was quoted as saying “British male construction workers are leading sexists and the government wishes to capitalise on this valuable skill by ensuring that it is taught to a new generation of trainee construction workers just entering the workplace.”

According to our source, methods such as bellowing at women from high scaffolding like an over-excited baboon will form part of the syllabus, as will the more sophisticated technique of waiting until a woman has walked past, and then muttering something barely audible at her retreating form.  80’s favourite, the wolf-whistle, will be taught as an extra-curricular add-on for those who feel it is still relevant in the 21st century.

Railway construction workers paid to stand around doing nothing

It has been revealed that tens of millions of pounds a year were being paid by Network Rail to Carillion employees to stand next to train tracks and not do anything.

The UK’s second largest construction firm, which went under last week, admit that the traditional sight of workers in hi-vis vests and hard hats hanging around on Bank Holidays doing sod all may be the reason the firm went tits up.

The findings will come as no surprise to commuters and passengers who already pay a frankly ludicrous amount of money on train travel.  Passenger groups have condemned the news.  “Many weekends and public holidays are marred by planned engineering works which result in reduced or even cancelled services,” says spokesman Colin Crannog of Rail Fail.  “But last Sunday morning, as we were held at a red signal waiting for a platform at the next station to become available, I looked out of the window and counted 28 blokes standing around drinking tea whilst one of them poked the sub-ballast with a stick.  Then a different bloke walked 40 yards to a siding where he spoke to some more men for a couple of minutes, walked the 40 yards back to the main group, and then everyone carried on doing nothing.”

An ex-employee of Carillion told us that emergency engineering wastes just as much time and money as the planned stuff.  “No one actually knows what the emergency is when they turn up to site, or how to fix it.  So 20 of them all stand there scratching their heads until one of them figures it out.  This can take a couple of hours and always seems to happen during rush hour. It’s usually some loose Fastclips, though, and you can bet none of them thought to bring a hammer.”

Non-Scottish people who wear tartan are racists guilty of cultural appropriation, say campaigners

Campaigners for the cultural rights of minority peoples say that the wearing of tartan by non-Scots shows ignorance and racism. The claim has been made by self-appointed busybody organisation Kilty As Charged.

Tweets accusing popular singers and musicians of wearing clothing from countries and cultures different to their own appear regularly.  Lana Del Rey was criticised for wearing a Native American headdress in her ‘Ride’ video a few years ago, and more recently, Coldplay were hauled over the coals for shooting a video in India with Beyonce dressed in some Indian clothes.

Kilty As Charged released a statement yesterday in a move to jump on the bandwagon of righteous indignation.  “We abhor the use of tartan outside of Scotland, and/or by people of non-Scottish descent. Tartan has a rich and sacrosanct history in Scotland, and causes us much offence to see Americans or Italians wearing it. People should stick to their own nationality’s clothing.”

Founder of the group Hamish McGregor meets us in his local Kilmarnock pizzeria.  A tall ginger man with long dreadlocks tumbling down his back, he cuts an imposing figure. “I saw someone wearing  tartan socks the other day. This guy had an American accent.  When I confronted him about his socks and where he got them, he just shrugged and said he bought them from Target in New Jersey for $3. And he referred to them as plaid, which is frankly an insult.”

McGregor has come under fire himself for having dreadlocks when he clearly isn’t a Rastafarian. He says he finds the accusation ridiculous, and he can wear his hair how he bloody well likes.