Category Archives: Local News

what’s happening in bluelands

Provincial Winter Wonderlands are always just some tents in a muddy field

Families are being warned not to bother taking children to anything described as a ‘Winter Wonderland’ in the run up to Christmas on account of them always being completely rubbish.  A spokesman for Swindon-based pressure group Keep Christmas Christmassy advises people to regard claims like ‘Santa’s Grotto’, ‘real live reindeer’ and ‘German-style Christmas Market’ as stretching the truth to breaking point.

This year’s Winter Wonder-Blueland will be back on Darke Park, opening on Saturday 1st December. Organiser Jeff Llama wants to reassure parents that an authentic Scandinavian experience awaits them.  “This year will be better than ever.  Last year didn’t go according to plan, admittedly.  It was very unfortunate that the ground beneath Santa’s Grotto collapsed into the public toilet cesspit, and loads of kids got covered in shit.  OK, so the reindeer weren’t tethered properly and they stampeded through Waitrose when the firework display started, and yes, one of them turned out to be a donkey in Deeley Boppers.  But this year we’ve moved the Grotto and hired reindeer from a reputable animal wrangler.”

Local councillor Samira Anwar has reassured locals that the music act hired last year, whose expletive-filled grime set on Christmas Eve went down like a concrete dinghy, won’t be coming back.  “Obviously MC Hohoho wasn’t quite the festive treat we’d had in mind.  Who knew that ‘ho ho ho’ could mean something so different?  But we’re confident that this year, singer Phil Mysack, will be wonderful.  His setlist promises us classics like Have Yourself a Merry Little XXX-mas, Jingle Balls, and I Saw Three Nips. His spelling is terrible but I’m sure he’ll get the party started!”

The Bluelands Gazette unveils 2 million pound state-of-the-art website upgrade

We are excited to the point of moistness to announce that our new website is up and running after its recent upgrade. The new interface will offer readers a user experience that until now only existed in the brains of the design team who created it.

TBG_2.0, to give it it’s slightly unnecessary working title, is the creation of Dark Aston-based design studio Bluehythe Creative Ltd. Design Director Steven Trigg-Yarwood, who coaxed almost £2 million out of us, was unavailable to be interviewed due to an unexpected family emergency in the Seychelles. However his presentation to us during the development phase promised ‘a visually stunning masterpiece at the cutting-edge of 21st century website design’.

We hope that you are impressed with our new look, and will continue to support, share, like and re-tweet us as often as possible, because we got a bit carried away and overspent by about £2 million pounds and could do with the exposure. From the whole team… happy reading!

Only 245 shopping days till Christmas

Retailers across the borough are already looking forward to a brisk few months’ trading in the run up to Christmas.  Although the festive rush has been slow to start, local businesses are confident they will see a pick up soon.

A spokesman for Sportz Direkt, which have branches in Downedge and Bluehythe, told The Bluelands Gazette that Christmas displays are starting to go up in their stores.  “Every retailer likes to be first with their seasonal displays, in order to grab an early market share before their competitors.  We carried out a survey to find out how people would feel about a springtime Christmas launch.  The feedback from our hand-picked respondents of our suppliers and their families, weirdos who celebrate Christmas all year round, and people with a serious addiction to shopping regardless of how much debt they are in, is one of excitement and positivity.”

However, the shoppers we spoke to out and about last week have mixed feelings.  “I haven’t even been on my summer holiday yet and I’m already seeing festive gift ideas for the whole family”, complains one. “It’s still only April, for fuck’s sake, and there’s tinsel up in Marks and Sparks.  But I don’t want to miss out on the 60″ HDTV I’ve just seen in Jane Lewis, at the not-to-be-missed bargain price of £3,095 with 28.2% APR finance available, terms and conditions apply.  My benefit cheque comes through soon, so it’s perfect timing.”

Black Friday in Bluelands will be on Friday 27th April.

Bags of dog shit in trees boost house prices, say estate agents

The sight of small plastic bags bulging with canine faecal matter swinging gently in a tree is familiar in London.  Dog owners across the capital have honed the technique of scooping up a turd in a little bag and tying a knot in the handles and then, rather than following the next logical step of finding a bin, hanging it in a tree as one would a Christmas bauble.

Normal people find this behaviour utterly disgusting, but estate agents say that trees full of shit are actually having the effect of boosting house prices.  Nathan Cherrystone of Cherrystone Estate Agents in Kitehaven explains.  “Prospective buyers who see an avenue of shitty trees are very impressed. They know it’s only wealthy middle-class dog owners who engage in this bizarre ritual, so it reflects well on the calibre of neighbours they could end up living amongst.”

The turd arbour on Darke Park has become a popular meeting place for local dog walkers.  Bluelands Council is yet to respond to a recent petition from non-dog owners to install special poo bins in the area, and Cherrystone suspects the council are bowing to pressure from nearby residents who are enjoying seeing the value of their properties rise.  “It’s good business for us so we’re not complaining.”

This year’s award for pointlessly long news headline that basically tells the entire story so that you don’t need to read the actual story underneath has been won for the first time by The Bluelands Gazette

This year’s award for pointlessly long news headline that basically tells the entire story so that you don’t need to read the actual story underneath has been won for the first time by The Bluelands Gazette.

In a remarkably prescient move, the winning headline that so impressed the judges was “This year’s award for pointlessly long news headline that basically tells the entire story so that you don’t need to read the actual story underneath has been won for the first time by The Bluelands Gazette.”

Gazette editor Laurie Hepworth said “Winning the award for pointlessly long news headline that basically tells the entire story so that you don’t need to read the actual story underneath is a tremendous honour.”

Work begins on 36 new luxury apartments at Laudanum House

Work has finally begun on a development of 36 affordable luxury apartments at a former mental hospital that will be sold exclusively to foreign investors, reports local correspondent Allie Bourne.

It was revealed back in July that a Saudi-based private equity firm had successfully negotiated for the apartments with the London Borough of Bluelands in a deal rumoured to be worth an undisclosed sum.  The apartments will fulfil the growing need for affordable housing in Bluelands specifically for foreign investors.  Prices start at just over 1.5 million pounds.

Architects Mansfield and Mansfield impressed the planners with their bold yet culturally sensitive proposal.  Partner in the local firm, Nathaniel Mansfield, said yesterday, “We are delighted to be working on such an important project for Bluelands. There simply aren’t enough luxury residences in London, and one cannot help but feel sympathy for those who contribute practically nothing to the British economy, yet still wish to expand their bulging property portfolios. It is hoped that the lucky buyers will enjoy not living in Laudanum House for at least 10 months of the year, secure in the knowledge that their little investment is growing exponentially and keeping the lower classes out of the neighbourhood.”

The deal does, however, include an agreement by the developers to fund a publicly accessible terraced garden that will be created in the old grounds of Laudanum House.

Award winning garden designer Crispin Harbinger, whose ambitious design includes a covered summer-only champagne bar with teak benches decorated in Shantung silk cushions, an aromatherapy arbour, and a Koi carp lagoon, says “Visitors to the garden can enjoy my centrepiece fountain, constructed in an Early Rococo aesthetic from Carrara marble with cast bronze figures. There is a beautiful view over Darke Park and beyond, but residents won’t need to worry that the council estate tower block at Night Heights will be visible, as I’m planting a weeping willow spinney to block the view.”

The gardens will be for the general public to enjoy, not just the residents, who will each have keys for when the gardens are closed to the public. Public access to the gardens will be between the hours of 7am and 9am Monday to Thursday during the summer, and 8am to 10am Monday to Thursday in winter. Closed on Bank Holidays.

Entry is free, but visitors must register online so that they can book their allotted time slot of 20 minutes.  CCTV will line walkways to prevent the inevitable vandalism that results from opening nice places to common people, and littering will be punishable with fixed penalty notices.