Plans to turn northern England into a massive landfill site and recycling plant are nearing completion as Britain prepares to exit from the European Union on 31st January. The Bluelands Gazette can reveal that areas of outstanding natural beauty are ready to receive hundreds of thousands of tons of London and the South East’s domestic and commercial waste on a continual basis.
The nation’s recycling, which is currently loaded onto ships and transported to Europe for recycling, will no longer be handled in this way once Britain has left the EU. Instead it will be dumped in hundreds of specially designated areas stretching from Birmingham to Carlisle, where it will be offloaded from trucks, ploughed into the ground, and picked over by millions of seagulls.
The government admits that the UK has very limited resources for waste management on such a vast scale, so most of the dumped plastics, glass, metals and cardboard will pile up in festering heaps rendering many popular picnic spots unsuitable for al fresco snacking.
A bold advertising campaign, aimed at thanking the north for agreeing to be London’s personal midden, will inform northerners that sacrificing places such as the Lake District, the Pennines and County Durham is the very epitome of the Dunkirk spirit so espoused by Brexiteers.