Masterchef: nobody cares what Gregg Wallace thinks

Nobody gives a toss what gobby gastro-tool Gregg Wallace thinks about the food dished up by Masterchef contestants, it has emerged.  Contestants, viewers and Marcus Wareing all agree that Wallace’s opinions count for diddly-squat, because he isn’t actually a chef.

We spoke to past contestant David.  “I cooked a 2 Michelin star-worthy appetiser after learning how to make really delicate seafood dishes at the best restaurant in Europe”, says David.  “The baldy bellend shoved it in his mouth and commented on the ‘smash of oyster’ in a decibel level rivalling that of a pneumatic drill. Pearls before swine, I’m afraid.”

Masterchef producers insist that viewers see Gregg Wallace as the voice of the layman who is able to cut through the pomposity that can surround top-level cuisine. However a BBC spokesman admitted yesterday that he may yet be surplus to requirements.  “This is clearly a man more at home with a Ginster’s pasty and a pint of mild, not essence of tomatoes or miniature pickled vegetables.  Unless his food has been dipped in breadcrumbs and deep-fried in month old chip fat he’s not going to be able to comprehend it on any level.”

The current series of Masterchef The Professionals rumbles to a close this month, with Gregg Wallace making his final appearance of the series toward the end, after his screentime being subtly phased out during the semi-finals.