It has emerged today that the UK’s flagship streaming and catch-up service, BBC iPlayer, is still operating on Windows 98. This will come as a blow to hard-up Brits whose only glimmer of enjoyment in life is catching up on DIY SOS.
Angry licence payers have bombarded social media with complaints about how crap iPlayer actually is for the £147 the licence fee currently costs. “I’m not surprised by this revelation”, says one Twitter user. “Trying to navigate the menu screen makes me want to disembowel myself with steak knives. Response times are measurable on a Jovian calendar. I usually whip up a snack once I’ve hit ‘play’ because I know I’ll be back from the kitchen by the time it’s finished buffering and I’ll be able to watch the first 5 minutes all over again.”
“Don’t use this leak as an excuse to protest against paying your licence fee, or you’ll face a £1,000 fine”, a BBC source told us. “Demanding money with menaces is what we’re good at. We’ll send the detector van round and force our way into your homes like a bailiff on speed if you’ve ‘forgotten’ to cough up the moolah. It’s basically a protection racket. You didn’t hear that from me, though.”
In yet another cost-cutting exercise, the Beeb’s latest move is to scrap free licences for the over 75’s in order to free up money to make daytime favourites like Lorraine Kelly’s Penguin Fetish, and Pro-Am Pipe Lagging with Bruno Brookes. Our BBC source tells us, “We’re telling the press that we want to fund more expensive drama like The Bodyguard, or The Night Porter, but that’s bollocks. We’re just going to stick with the usual rubbish like Fatal Camping Accidents from Hell. Stacey Dooley’s lined up to present that from a campsite known to be lethal. Well, we can’t keep renewing her contract since she appeared on Strictly because we can’t afford her now.”