30-something couple Sunny and Neema Shah, from Dalston, can’t wait to get back to the safe and warm embrace of East London. The reason for their homesick pining? They’ve stupidly gone on a week’s holiday to Gloucestershire and are deeply regretting the decision.
“We thought a spell of pastoral relaxation would be really nice, but instead we’re so bored we’ve started playing ‘I spy with my little eye’, the answers to which are a bit predictable when you’re in a field”, complains Sunny. “The English countryside is overrated. It’s full of horse shit, pollen and racists. There isn’t even a Boxpark out here. We’ve just spent 2 hours in Bibury staring at a row of cottages that look barely habitable. We’re doing falconry tomorrow, and all I can think is that my eyes might get pecked out, which will make me rubbish at ‘I Spy’.”
Neema is also unimpressed with the Cotswolds. “Bourton is described in the guidebooks as pretty and quaint, but when you’re being kettled up the High Street in a huddle of 200 American tourists at the pace of an elderly tortoise in a fucking Ikea, it takes the shine off. On the other hand, we got hammered last night, on a really decent Chianti that only cost 12 quid down the local pub. Get in.”