Restoration contractors advised to stop setting fire to historical monuments

Restoration contractors who are tasked with restoring and preserving Europe’s greatest monuments are being strongly advised to try and avoid burning them to the ground, it has emerged.  Since the devastating fire that tore through Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral on Monday, it has been suggested that destroying historically important buildings should probably been avoided.

In a damning report into the fire, which hasn’t been commissioned yet but presumably will, a number of recommendations aimed at reducing the likelihood of further fires will be made.  These include turning off electrical appliances when workers pack up for the night, not having a crafty fag and lobbing the dog-end into things made of wood or fabric, and removing priceless combustible artifacts before setting up high-voltage power tools next to them.

A site foreman who wishes to remain anonymous, and who has worked on a number of prestigious  restoration projects over the past few years, has welcomed the as-yet not commissioned report.  “It’s not easy trying to remember all the safety stuff on site.  So to be reminded of things like not leaving the welding torches on when we go for our tea break, or not plugging in the curling tongs next to the rood screen, is actually quite useful.  For example, centuries-old timbers are quite likely to catch fire when you have an indoor barbecue next to them.  Who knew?”

The following buildings have, within the last few decades, also been engulfed in flames after someone forgot they were supposed to not destroy them:

The Cutty Sark
Glasgow School of Art (twice, for crying out loud)
Clandon Park
Windsor Castle
York Minster
The entire City of London, when a Pudding Lane resident left a chip pan on

All monuments will be fully repaired at great expense by interested philanthropist millionaires.  The NHS will continue to be chronically under-funded.


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