Social media users have admitted that the best thing about Facebook these days is watching a tense feud develop between friends on some trivial matter.
Northerners Paul, Colin and Twisty have been unwittingly amusing Harpreet’s Southern friends for a couple of days with their blokey bluster and poor grasp of facts. In a 3-way conversation peppered with annoying cliches like ‘At the end of the day’, ‘Let’s stick to the facts, guys’, and ‘I don’t want to sound rude, but’, what started out as a dull post from Paul about Brexit has turned into a full-scale bitchfest.
Harpreet wisely stepped away from the debate almost immediately, whilst the other 3 have consistently demonstrated what truly awful people they are.
Harpreet gives us some insight into the main players. “Paul is the kind of person who bombards his own newsfeed with borderline racism cleverly disguised as ‘banter’ about his football team’s rivalry with other football teams. Colin invented a new swear word 3 days ago and is clearly very proud of his creativity because he keeps dropping it into his posts. Twisty quotes words and phrases by stand-up comedians in a way that would suggest they’re actually his. But it’s their passive-aggressive debate about Brexit that’s going on at the moment that’s really hilarious!”
The escalating argument has attracted a number of avid readers. Harpreet’s work colleague Suzy sums it up. “It’s better than watching repeats of TOWIE. I’ve never met these people but they’re on another planet. Gotta go, there’s a new post to read!”
The buttons one finds on a microwave that depict chicken portions, or a whole fish, or a bunch of broccoli are a complete waste of space, it has emerged.
A survey of microwave owners, in the largest study of it’s kind ever made, has found that not a single respondent had ever used the pre-set buttons. What’s more, none of them can be arsed to read the instruction booklet to find out what they are meant to be for. Microwave oven technologist Bob Thirsk says that microwaves are only ever used to re-heat leftovers and make the occasional milky hot drink. “When asked in the survey how you would defrost some chicken breasts, most people replied that they’d put them in the microwave and make a wild stab about how long to do them for, and guess at the power level. 10 minutes at 10% seems to be the favoured method, which will result in hot steaming bits and still semi-frozen bits. The rest said they’d just leave them on a plate on the draining board for a few hours.”
Thirsk agrees with the majority of comments made in the survey. “To be honest, I haven’t got a clue what most of those buttons are for either. My microwave has a button for rice. Who the bloody hell cooks rice in a microwave? And I’ve got a button for desserts. But what kind of dessert? How many portions? Does it need cooking like a sponge pudding, or warmed up like custard? What’s the difference in cooking temperature between sticky toffee pudding and poached salmon? It makes no sense at all. It’s mental.”
According to the survey, commissioned by the University of Tewkesbury, the most popular way of checking if food is properly cooked is by waiting for it to start bubbling/popping/steaming/exploding. “That would do it”, agrees Thirsk. “If you have to scrape it off the roof of the microwave, it’s definitely done.”
Police Constable Sav Chaudhury of the Metropolitan Police has been inundated on Twitter by people angry at his recent crime prevention advice, which was offered in response to a recent spate of break-ins in the Hillingdon area. In his latest tweet, the diligent cop advises that people should ensure that their windows and doors have good locks, and that a good quality burgler alarm is installed in high-risk areas.
Followers of the Met’s Twitter feed have hit out at what they see as ‘victim blaming’, which is a current on-trend response to well-intentioned logic. “Why shudnt i leave my windows open wen i go out bloody filth lost touch wiv reality” (sic throughout) says one Twitter user. Another Tweet, from a Robert McRobert, suggests that the modern police service is just a bunch of self-serving layabouts. “This cop should know better. It’s not my fault my laptop got nicked from my unlocked car. Can’t be arsed to catch crooks, that’s their problem.”
PC Chaudhury’s tweets have also ignited anger amongst many victim support groups. “This officer needs to stop filling people’s heads with harmful notions”, insists Tiffany Brompton-Huws of The Victim Network. “Telling people to be careful and stay vigilant is unhelpful and downright dangerous. What kind of precedent are they setting when they come out with such nonsense as ‘look both ways before crossing the road’ and ‘try to avoid walking alone at night through dark alleyways’? Suddenly walking out into the road whilst texting and being hit by a car is entirely down to the stupid driver for not predicting it. And there’s nothing wrong with flashing your iPhone XS about down the council estate. People shouldn’t be thieves.”