Young labour slammed following Corbyn Hitler meme

Young Labour has come under fire today for tweeting a meme parodying Jeremy Corbyn’s reaction to the recent defection of 8 of his MPs to form a new Group in Parliament.

The meme takes a famous scene from the film ‘Downfall’ in which the Fuhrer bursts into an explosive rage upon receiving news that  he is about to lose military control of Berlin.  Young Labour tweeted a version of the meme in which Jeremy Corbyn (or Hitler, as he appears in the GIF) sends everyone out of his bunker except his inner circle of Seamus Milne, Chris Williamson, Len McClusky, Ken Livingstone and George Galloway.  He then launches into a tantrum at the news that members of his party have defected, and refers to the wayward MPs as ‘treacherous bastards’ and ‘contemptible minnow slugs’ that ‘must be crushed’.

A spokesperson for the Labour leader has issued the following statement:  “Jeremy apologises on behalf of the party for any offence caused by this tweet, and underlines that he is a lifelong nice man who is utterly appalled by the nasty things and is therefore in no way responsible.  He would like to make it clear that the 8 MPs have defected, and not defecated, as was reported on the BBC’s news website in an unfortunate typing error.  He also notes the ill-judged timing of the tweeted meme, which comes at a time of heightened sensitivity amongst many communities following the recent death of Swiss-German actor Bruno Ganz, who played the beleaguered Hitler/Corbyn character.”

Decorate your home in white and grey to avoid offending the stranger who might buy it in 10 years time

There has never been more choice for the design-savvy homeowner wanting to explore their creativity, with the latest in luxury kitchens, soft furnishings and vibrant wall coverings all at their disposal.  The biggest names in contemporary design are wowing their followers on social media right now with stunning pieces that can transform an ordinary house into a beautiful and personal space to be treasured.

That’s all well and good, but what if it’s not your ‘forever’ home?  What if you might decide to sell in a few years?  It only takes a hint of colour to put off a potential buyer and make them either walk away or demand at least 10 grand off your asking price, mainly because house buyers have even less imagination than you do.

We spoke to founder of online interiors shop Dull Dimensions. “These so-called design experts haven’t thought of re-sale value.  A house is not somewhere for you to enjoy yourself, it’s an investment.  You absolutely cannot afford to offend the sensibilities of people you’ve never met”, says Anne Jones.  “Someone might be in your house one day looking to buy, and they might not like your blue lampshade.  Choose neutrals. Always.”

Jones’s website is full of good quality but really boring furniture and furnishings.  “Paint your walls in a riot of white with a daring flash of grey”, she advises.  “No one can possibly be offended by white and grey.  It doesn’t matter that you’ll be spending the next 10 years living inside a concrete coloured box, silently counting down the days when you can put it on the market.  You’ve got to think of the re-sale value.”

Rachel Sanders took Jones’s advise last year.  “I’m so glad we painted the kitchen in Anne’s best-selling colour, Migraine on Matterhorn.  And we painted the living room in Blubber, with a feature wall of Boiled Sock.  My husband and I have developed clinical depression as a result and our cat walked out for good in October, but at least we should see a decent return on our investment.”  She admits to covering a cushion in a plain silk that wasn’t white or grey. “It’s called Beige Flirtation.  It’s absolutely wild!  Don’t tell Anne!”

Building contractor ‘confident’ project will be finished next week as planned, despite roof not being on yet

A building contractor who managed to wangle the kind of contract where the client pays by the day is confident that the job is very nearly finished.  “You’d be surprised at how quickly a build comes together at the last minute.”  Site foreman Miff McDonald takes a sip from his 12th cuppa of the day and adds, “But if it doesn’t, I’m going to have to invoice the client for another week’s work.  I’m a perfectionist and I’m not signing off on a job until my noggins are hammered in at just the right angle.  My client deserves nothing less.”

Client Gareth Mason is less than convinced.  “This house is nowhere near finished. It looks like it’s been picked up and shaken like a giant snowglobe.  The garden is like the bloody Somme, and the Portaloo on the driveway has a brand new copy of Ulysses hanging from a nail on a piece of string.”  Mason flicks the kettle on for the umpteenth time today and lines up 9 mugs on a Cath Kidston tea tray.  “I don’t give a toss about the noggins.  Do we even need them?  Jesus, now we’ve run out of Garibaldi’s.”

Mason admits he probably should have ordered the kitchen when he was told to last month, and not when, and only when, his wife has decided where the Nutribullet will go.  “She still can’t decide whether the Nutribullet will go to the left of the toaster or to the right, or what colour to paint the walls in the dining room.  So for some reason, we can’t order the kitchen.  Or the Nutribullet.”