A man who has been basically spamming women on Tinder with dick pics has complained that he still can’t get a date. Despite bombarding a number of females with uninvited pornographic imagery, David, 34, a hedge fund manager from Hampstead, has been blocked from 16 profiles. “It always starts off well enough. I get a lot of interest from the ladies swiping right. Then I go in for the kill; I hit them with my cock. I then inexplicably never hear from them again.”
David (not his real name) continues. “The strange thing is, it’s not even my penis in the photos. It actually belongs to my mate Rob, who has a really impressive one. He kindly agreed after 6 pints, 3 whisky chasers and a flaming Sambucca to let me photograph his junk whilst lying comatose on my kitchen floor. My own member is rather disappointing you see, and I don’t like to put the girls off too soon, so I send them Rob’s.”
We spoke to Rachel (her real name), who has blocked the lovelorn hedge fund manager (not his real job). “It’s sexual harassment by proxy. If you met a guy at a bar and started flirting, you wouldn’t expect him to suddenly whip out his cock in front of you. Why does a grown man of 34* think doing the same online is acceptable?”
After some probing, David reveals that he doesn’t actually live in Hampstead. He lives in Finsbury Park. “The girls aren’t going to find out straight away, are they? If they’re disappointed by it, then they’re clearly just shallow gold-diggers and I’m better off without them. Besides which, there’s nothing wrong with Finsbury Park. It’s up-and-coming with an authentic, vibrant character. And I should know… my wife’s an estate agent.”
*not his real age. He’s 42.