The latest news to rock the music press this week has come from, of all places, Moscow. Ignoring the traditional protocol of waiting for festival organisers to make an announcement, the Kremlin has confirmed that psychopathic, ham-moobed overlord Vladimir Putin will next year be taking to Glastonbury’s famous Pyramid Stage on the Sunday night.
Glastonbury have attempted to play down the shock line-up change, neither confirming nor denying rumours that the original planned headline act was payed off with a luxury fishing holiday in the Urals, 2-for-1 cinema tickets and cheap car insurance. “We are looking forward to welcoming Mr Putin and his posse of tooled-up mobsters to Worthy Farm”, a spokeswoman said yesterday. “Gold embroidered yurts, complete with a rider that includes samovars of tea, Beluga caviar and local peasants to whip, are being organised.” The autocrat’s setlist has not yet been revealed.
A pre-event sightseeing tour to Salisbury is being planned for the president, with the whole city to be evacuated and put under quarantine for 20 years afterwards. The Home Office are advising any ex-Soviet sleeper agents who may live in the area to vacate Wiltshire and never return.