Pub crawls ‘shite’

New evidence suggests that pub crawls are not in the least bit fun and are, in fact, shite.

The editorial team at The Bluelands Gazette travelled to a typical English town in order to full immerse ourselves in the fine art of this popular tradition and spoke to a number of fellow drinkers on the way.

Ryan, 30, is a committed drinker who dislikes limiting himself to just one watering hole in any given evening.  “Why sit in one nice pub to drink when you can drag your mates round loads of them?” he points out. “We get a cab into town every Saturday night at about 7 and start with a couple of pints in The Red Lion.  Then we nip next door to the King’s Head for another pint.  We then visit The Fleece and Firkin, The Lamb and Flag, The Green Man, O’Malleys, and then have a couple of whisky chasers at The Fork in the Road.  By the time we get kicked out of The Fork in the Road for starting a fight we’re 50 quid down each and we smell of pickled onion crisps. It’s what Saturday night are made for.  Although we have been barred from The Fork now, to be fair.”

However Tommo, 33, is less keen.  “The first pub is fine. You get a table early doors, take off your coat, scarf and gloves, and settle in.  Then before you’ve finished your first drink the others are urging you to drink up.  So you gulp the last few mouthfuls while they’re putting their coats on and edging toward the door. You traipse in the freezing cold to the next pub but there’s nowhere to sit, so you stand at the bar with your coat, scarf and gloves on the floor.  This happens another 6 times during the evening.  By the end your coat has been trodden on so much you look like a tramp. Why couldn’t we just stay in the first pub?”

On our pub crawl The Gazette lost 3 gloves and a laptop between us, and someone chucked a kebab at Allie.  We can confirm that pub crawls are shite.

Xbox develops new game where players negotiate new Brexit deal, with government secretly analysing gamers’ tactics

A new computer game has hit the shops this week, later than planned, but just in time for late Christmas present buyers.  The object of the game is for players to negotiate a new deal for Britain’s exit from the European Union.  A number of levels must be passed on the way, in increasing complexity, with players building up their draft agreement as they go.  One of the final levels is the Irish Backstop, which promises to be ‘the ultimate challenge that only the boldest can conquer’, according to the game’s press release.

Game designers Del Petitt, Nate Karling and Mikey Leonard, reveal that they were approached by the British government to develop the game back in January.  “Our meetings with the Brits showed us that the whole negotiating process has been a total shambles.  They are hoping that there will some hidden genius out there who can come up with a brilliant new Brexit agreement”, explains Karling. “We’ve built in a surveillance app that Theresa May can log into to observe what the most successful gamers are up to”, adds Petitt. “Sounds like she needs all the help she can get.”

Despite the potential market for a game about British politics being seemingly limited, it is expected that the new game, called BreXbox: Mortal Politix, is expected to outsell Call of Duty: Black Ops.  “It’ll be a bumper few months for Microsoft’s UK gaming market”, says Karling. “Every Brit is going to think they can do better than Theresa May. And they probably will.”

TfL’s new ‘panic free’ apocalypse alarm hailed a success

Passengers waiting on the Victoria line platform at London’s Brixton Station today were soothed this morning, as Transport for London tested its’ new ‘panic-free’ apocalypse alarm for the first time.

Following mounting concern that loud, shrill alarms of the kind used in most building fire alarm systems cause panic and disorientation, TfL has pioneered a new form of ‘voice alarm’.

This new alarm features a suave and authoritative male voice instructing the public in Received Pronunciation that there has been an emergency and they are to remain calm.  Faced with such instruction, the public seemed inclined to obey, even when the actual message read out ought to have been genuinely harrowing.

Passenger Ray Banks, who left the station in a zen-like state, clearly could not remember the message that he had just heard.  When asked, he said “Something about being calm. So very calm. Such a nice man.” For the benefit of Gazette readers, the full script is below:

“Ladies and gentlemen, due to a pre-emptive nuclear strike, the atmosphere outside this station and across the capital has turned to acid. In approximately 6 minutes, radioactive death gas will seep through the bedrock to platform level, slowly and agonisingly melting you from the inside out.  Please evacuate the station calmly.

You will be reassured to learn that your corpses will be harvested by robots and recycled into biofuel to power the heat lamps necessary to sustain your lizard overlords in the absence of our now shrouded sun.

We would therefore ask you to refrain from flailing in agony during your slow, hideous deaths, as leakage will reduce energy efficiency by up to 3%. Thank you for your co-operation in this matter, and for remaining calm.

There is a good service on the Piccadilly line.”

Putin to headline Glastonbury

The latest news to rock the music press this week has come from, of all places, Moscow.  Ignoring the traditional protocol of waiting for festival organisers to make an announcement, the Kremlin has confirmed that psychopathic, ham-moobed overlord Vladimir Putin will next year be taking to Glastonbury’s famous Pyramid Stage on the Sunday night.

Glastonbury have attempted to play down the shock line-up change, neither confirming nor denying rumours that the original planned headline act was payed off with a luxury fishing holiday in the Urals, 2-for-1 cinema tickets and cheap car insurance.  “We are looking forward to welcoming Mr Putin and his posse of tooled-up mobsters to Worthy Farm”, a spokeswoman said yesterday.  “Gold embroidered yurts, complete with a rider that includes samovars of tea, Beluga caviar and local peasants to whip, are being organised.”  The autocrat’s setlist has not yet been revealed.

A pre-event sightseeing tour to Salisbury is being planned for the president, with the whole city to be evacuated and put under quarantine for 20 years afterwards.  The Home Office are advising any ex-Soviet sleeper agents who may live in the area to vacate Wiltshire and never return.

94% of women over 40 describe their unique personal style as ‘classic with a twist’

Almost all women over the age of 40 who consider themselves to have an individual personal style all dress in exactly the same way, a new study has found.  The minority who wouldn’t describe their style as ‘classic with a twist’, say they dress in more of a ‘timeless with a sense of fun’ kind of a way.

Camilla Spayleigh of the National Institute of Personal Stylists admits that putting a colourful scarf or a statement necklace with a tailored trouser suit is not edgy or cool.  “Personal stylists have very few original ideas for middle-aged women, so tend to fall back on the same tired old crap Trinny and Susannah were trotting out 15 years ago.  And for some reason women think that ‘classic with a twist’ is a look that only a select few fashionistas know about.”

Fashion enthusiast and working mum of 2, Claire, opens up to us about what style means to her.  “I love to shop for capsule pieces in neutral colours that I know will look good for years to come, and will never date.  To avoid looking like everybody else who shops on the high street for same things I do, I like to add my own unique touch of personality.”  Claire shows us a pink handbag, a yellow floral silk scarf and an enamel pendant she picked up at a vintage market.  “If I put the scarf with this grey sweater and blue bootcut jeans, see how the look is completely transformed.  Suddenly it looks really quirky and funky- a bit like me, really!”  She smiles when we ask how she would describe her personal style. “My style is very much ‘out there’, despite getting most of my inspiration from Red magazine and BBC newsreaders.  I would describe my style as classic with a twist.”

Camilla Spayleigh is candid in her assessment.  “Classic with a twist basically means wearing reasonable quality yet boring clothes, and adding a colourful accessory in lieu of having a personality.  Claire is just another basic bitch being sold a lie by high street brands taking backhanders from the women’s style magazines.”