Provincial Winter Wonderlands are always just some tents in a muddy field

Families are being warned not to bother taking children to anything described as a ‘Winter Wonderland’ in the run up to Christmas on account of them always being completely rubbish.  A spokesman for Swindon-based pressure group Keep Christmas Christmassy advises people to regard claims like ‘Santa’s Grotto’, ‘real live reindeer’ and ‘German-style Christmas Market’ as stretching the truth to breaking point.

This year’s Winter Wonder-Blueland will be back on Darke Park, opening on Saturday 1st December. Organiser Jeff Llama wants to reassure parents that an authentic Scandinavian experience awaits them.  “This year will be better than ever.  Last year didn’t go according to plan, admittedly.  It was very unfortunate that the ground beneath Santa’s Grotto collapsed into the public toilet cesspit, and loads of kids got covered in shit.  OK, so the reindeer weren’t tethered properly and they stampeded through Waitrose when the firework display started, and yes, one of them turned out to be a donkey in Deeley Boppers.  But this year we’ve moved the Grotto and hired reindeer from a reputable animal wrangler.”

Local councillor Samira Anwar has reassured locals that the music act hired last year, whose expletive-filled grime set on Christmas Eve went down like a concrete dinghy, won’t be coming back.  “Obviously MC Hohoho wasn’t quite the festive treat we’d had in mind.  Who knew that ‘ho ho ho’ could mean something so different?  But we’re confident that this year, singer Phil Mysack, will be wonderful.  His setlist promises us classics like Have Yourself a Merry Little XXX-mas, Jingle Balls, and I Saw Three Nips. His spelling is terrible but I’m sure he’ll get the party started!”

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