After public speculation around the precise nature of Labour’s Brexit policy reached fever pitch in the weeks leading up to the Party’s conference, the public were reassured by the composite motion passed at Conference, which clarifies the position as follows:
- Labour will campaign for a General Election
- If 1. fails, all other options remain on the table
- All other options may or may not include the possibility of another referendum, referenda or further elections, general or otherwise
- Any further referenda may or may not include the option “fuck it, let’s just sack it all off and stay then”
However, the shock release this morning of an audio recording of a private meeting between Jeremy Corbyn and Keir Starmer appears to cast doubt on the clear and unequivocal position of Conference. In the recording, Corbyn and Starmer appear to disagree heatedly, with the Labour leader favouring ‘a Brexit so hard the destitute masses will beg us to implement McDonnell’s first Five Year Plan’, and Starmer favouring to remain in the EU.
After several hours of shouting, the two Labour front benchers agree to “pass some waffley contradictory bollocks to buy time and enable everyone to find at least some hope in it”, and that the eventual decision will be reached through Fight Club.
The Bluelands Gazette has repeatedly approached both the Labour Party and the Palace of Westminster for comment, but both have simply replied that “We do not talk about Fight Club.” One source, who asked not to be named for legal reasons, said “The rules of Fight Club are very simple: you don’t talk about Fight Club. Which is much like Labour’s policy on Brexit, really.”