A damning new report out today claims that the economic shitstorm resulting from most renters over the age of 35 never being able to buy their own home is entirely down to Homes Under The Hammer.
The popular daytime TV program has been showing ordinary people how to become smug property ‘investors’ by buying a slum at auction and doing it up for an annoyingly large profit. The idea is so simple that any witless idiot with several grand in the bank can do it.
Someone like Terry, who somehow managed to scrape together enough to buy a shithole in Walthamstow in 2004, and is now living in a 3 bedroom Arts and Crafts house in Hampstead. “I got into buying at auction when I saw this program on the telly and I thought, that requires no skill or talent whatsoever. I can do this!”, explains Terry. “Once I’d bought the flat though, I couldn’t be arsed to do anything with it, so I lived in it for a bit. I put cheap new carpet down and got a new toilet seat, but did fuck all else. The value had shot up over a year and a half later, so I re-mortgaged, and rented it out for a ludicrous sum. That started my career as a rental landlord, fleecing broke youngsters and evicting them when the market rises. Now I’ve got a portfolio of several properties. Thanks, Homes Under The Hammer!”
Today’s report concludes that TV programs have been influencing the housing market for years. It claims that Grand Designs is slowly ruining rural areas, because it encourages hoards of inexplicably wealthy school teachers and ceramicists to commission a family home big enough to house 10 families, just because they want their own private view of the Chilterns. Plus Inspector Morse is to blame for house prices in Oxford being beyond a fucking joke.
Unfortunately, for the rest of us, that dream of living in our own home and securing our future is just a dream. We’ll be stuck paying someone else’s mortgage for the rest of our lives until we die.