No news is good news, so here’s the bad news: news is getting worse

It seems that you can’t turn on the TV without it being full of bad news about horrible people doing shitty things to each other, or there being an awful situation caused by some faceless corporation who care nothing for health and safety or common decency.  This trend is set to continue, say experts.

According to sources, bad news is the most popular type of news there is.  Good news has a niche following, but there is very little of it around because it doesn’t sell papers, magazines or blogs.  The downside to all this is that we don’t get to hear much of the happy stuff that happens, only the bad, so we feel that life is characterised mainly by bad news.  It has been suggested that the abundance of bad news is making us all depressed.  This is good news for pharmaceutical companies who make anti-depressant medication, but a huge pain the arse for the rest of us.

A spokesman for the Misery Agency of Great Britain said yesterday, “There is a lot of bad news around, and the supply isn’t going to dry up any time soon.  People can’t get enough of it; even the weeknight TV schedules are full of negative stuff.  Whether it’s emergency services rescuing people from near death, the police dealing with drunk people fighting, consumer programs about companies ripping you off, bailiffs making poor people poorer, historical documentaries about bloody wars, or hit drama series about murder, jealousy and abuse, the world has never been more in thrall to misery.”

But surely, there are programs about positive and happy things, we ask.

“You mean D.I.Y.  S.O.S.?  The Pride of Britain Awards? Rogue Traders? Lorraine Kelly’s Penguin Fetish?  Those programs were born out of misfortune and injustice in the first place, and the heart-warming payoff is rammed down our throats until we’re numb to the original cause.  Alright, maybe not the penguins.  That’s just shit telly.”

The Misery Agency’s advice to people who are desperate to cheer up is to be slightly drunk all the time.

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