Labour Party internal Brexit position as clear as mud: full details revealed

After public speculation around the precise nature of Labour’s Brexit policy reached fever pitch in the weeks leading up to the Party’s conference, the public were reassured by the composite motion passed at Conference, which clarifies the position as follows:

  1.  Labour will campaign for a General Election
  2.  If 1. fails, all other options remain on the table
  3.  All other options may or may not include the possibility of another referendum,  referenda or further elections, general or otherwise
  4.  Any further referenda may or may not include the option “fuck it, let’s just sack it  all off and stay then”

However, the shock release this morning of an audio recording of a private meeting between Jeremy Corbyn and Keir Starmer appears to cast doubt on the clear and unequivocal position of Conference.  In the recording, Corbyn and Starmer appear to disagree heatedly, with the Labour leader favouring ‘a Brexit so hard the destitute masses will beg us to implement McDonnell’s first Five Year Plan’, and Starmer favouring to remain in the EU.

After several hours of shouting, the two Labour front benchers agree to “pass some waffley contradictory bollocks to buy time and enable everyone to find at least some hope in it”, and that the eventual decision will be reached through Fight Club.

The Bluelands Gazette has repeatedly approached both the Labour Party and the Palace of Westminster for comment, but both have simply replied that “We do not talk about Fight Club.” One source, who asked not to be named for legal reasons, said “The rules of Fight Club are very simple: you don’t talk about Fight Club.  Which is much like Labour’s policy on Brexit, really.”

The general public knows bugger all so stop interviewing them, news reporters told

The man on the street is a popular interviewee for news correspondents trying to hide that fact they haven’t been able to find out much about what’s going on.  The assumption that the bloke walking towards you laden with heavy shopping has first-hand knowledge of the latest covert poisoning of a local spook, or what the Prime Minister should do to tackle knife crime, is just plain silly.  This is the latest advice from campaign group What the FT, who aim to persuade news agencies and reporters to get a grip and present us with actual facts.

We went to the Bentall Centre in Kingston-upon-Thames, Surrey, with a tape recorder and some questions written on a bit of paper to find out what locals think about this thorny issue. Jim, 81, told us to sod off because he was in a hurry to get to Betfred in time for the 3.30 at Aintree.  Colin, from Morden, didn’t seem to understand the simple question “Can members of the public provide rapier-sharp insight to a breaking news story?”  He just stared at us and mumbled something about how we should have put a stop to immigration years ago.  Shirley, 54, was lovely, but a bit deaf and thought we were asking for directions to Thames Ditton.

It seems that Joe Public cannot be relied on as a witness to topical events, or to know the quickest route to Thames Ditton.

Gravity is just a lie to make you docile and compliant, say conspiracy theorists

The startling claim that gravity is just the invention of a corrupt world order has been met with scorn by physicists, astronomers, and bungee jumpers.

Social media forums have been alight for weeks with arguments between nutters and normal people on the subject.  But the phenomenon of blatantly denying scientific facts is nothing new; flat-earthers, as they are known, have made their online presence and weirdness felt for some time.  They say they can prove the Earth is not an orb, but a flat plane.  Good luck to them.

An article entitled ‘Gravity: What They’re Not Telling Us’ has gone viral after first appearing on Facebook last month.  The article attempts to debunk everything most of us have been taught in school about the laws of physics.  The article’s author, Nils Sharpei, says that Sir Isaac Newton never existed, and Albert Einstein was an actor paid by the US government to look a bit bonkers whilst pretending to make scientific breakthroughs.

Scientists would have us believe that the mass of the Earth is literally pulling us down onto its surface due to the fundamental laws of attraction.  Not so, says Sharpei.  That’s what they want us to think.  We are actually being pushed back down onto the surface of the Earth to stop us from launching into space and discovering the terrifying truth; that the Earth is flat, and we are being operated by a master race living on Alpha Centauri.  Our galaxy is just a visual effect created by Alpha Centauri lighting designers, and man has never set foot on the moon or been any higher than an Airbus A380.

We asked a number of eminent physicists to comment on these claims.  “It’s a load of cobblers” seems to be the general consensus.  “Well they would say that, wouldn’t they, they’ve been sent to Earth to dis-inform us”, retorts Sharpei.  Undeterred, he says he is developing a software program to prove his theory, based on Mathcad, Baudline and Angry Birds.

Homes Under The Hammer entirely responsible for housing crisis

A damning new report out today claims that the economic shitstorm resulting from most renters over the age of 35 never being able to buy their own home is entirely down to Homes Under The Hammer.

The popular daytime TV program has been showing ordinary people how to become smug property ‘investors’ by buying a slum at auction and doing it up for an annoyingly large profit.  The idea is so simple that any witless idiot with several grand in the bank can do it.

Someone like Terry, who somehow managed to scrape together enough to buy a shithole in Walthamstow in 2004, and is now living in a 3 bedroom Arts and Crafts house in Hampstead.  “I got into buying at auction when I saw this program on the telly and I thought, that requires no skill or talent whatsoever. I can do this!”, explains Terry. “Once I’d bought the flat though, I couldn’t be arsed to do anything with it, so I lived in it for a bit. I put cheap new carpet down and got a new toilet seat, but did fuck all else.  The value had shot up over a year and a half later, so I re-mortgaged, and rented it out for a ludicrous sum. That started my career as a rental landlord, fleecing broke youngsters and evicting them when the market rises.  Now I’ve got a portfolio of several properties. Thanks, Homes Under The Hammer!”

Today’s report concludes that TV programs have been influencing the housing market for years. It claims that Grand Designs is slowly ruining rural areas, because it encourages hoards of inexplicably wealthy school teachers and ceramicists to commission a family home big enough to house 10 families, just because they want their own private view of the Chilterns.  Plus Inspector Morse is to blame for house prices in Oxford being beyond a fucking joke.

Unfortunately, for the rest of us, that dream of living in our own home and securing our future is just a dream.  We’ll be stuck paying someone else’s mortgage for the rest of our lives until we die.

Kanye West changes name to Ye Guevara in bid to be tweeted about again

World famous acceptance speech crasher and middle-aged husband of someone more influential on social media, Kanye West, has announced that he has changed his name to Ye Guevara. The bizarre though pointless move came about as a response to news from his publicist that slightly fewer people are tweeting about than were a few months ago.

In lieu of any other skill, or anything important to say, the name change was chosen as West’s newest move.  A source close to the star said yesterday, “His whole thing of blurting out what he thinks are profound aphorisms but is actually meaningless drivel, is no longer edgy in a man of his age, so he’s decided to adopt someone else’s name and change it slightly to contain letters from his own.  Like he did with Yeezus. It’s a truly brilliant move. Just when you think he can’t possible confound us with any more of his his sheer genius, he comes up with this. Amazing.”

Other possible names considered apparently were Mother Yereeza, Yoan of Arc, and God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, but that last one turned out to be a bit long to fit on a library card.

Should West be successful in his 2020 bid for the US presidency, his request to be addressed as the President of the Ye-nited States will be put before the Senate.

Your accountant is definitely ripping you off, especially if you are a celebrity

A new study suggests that most accountants are ripping their clients off, and that if you are a famous actor, musician or performer, the risk increases considerably.  This is apparently because famous people are too busy being famous to check to see if their self-employed earnings are being accurately documented.  It is also because accounting is a bit like dentistry and car mechanics, in that no one understands it, but everyone needs it.

We visited Bernie, a semi-retired accountant, on his motor yacht in Monaco.  “This is absolute nonsense. How dare anyone suggest that the noble profession of accountancy is in any way dodgy.”  Bernie takes a sip from a glass of Dom Perignon 2004. “Now get off my boat or I’ll have security throw you off.”

In an ex-council flat in Peckham, London,  Tom* is feeling bitter.  “I had starring roles in many big TV drama series on the BBC, Channel 4, and a couple on Netflix.  I was just about to begin a career in Hollywood when the bailiffs turned up at my house in Hampstead and took everything.  Turned out my accountant had been fiddling my tax and pocketing chunks of royalty cheques.  It was quite a shock because he’d been recommended by my agent, who had just emigrated to the Cayman Islands.”

The advice from HMRC is that celebrities should do their own self-assessment tax online, because it’s better to completely misunderstand the rules on expenses and pay way more than necessary, than to hand over your entire financial security to a so-called accountant.  “Thankfully, the message is getting through to actors, who are now mostly doing their own tax”, said and HMRC spokesman yesterday.  “Although apparently it’s now really difficult to hire actors during the last 2 weeks of January.”

*not his real name