As revelations hit the headlines this week that the Croydon Cat Killer is not some weird incel bloke with mummy issues, but actually foxes, the fox community of South London has announced that they are to sue the Metropolitan Police for defamation.
“The real killer of cats is still out there while we’re all being tarred with the same brush. I for one am not going to be able to show my face down the rec now.” Edward Red-Mane, a scavenger from Purley, spoke to us over the phone this morning. “Quite how those bloody stupid coppers think we’ve all got the methodical and artistic capability to dissect a cat with a paring knife and then arrange it in someone’s front porch is beyond me. It’s all I can do to tear a bin bag open with me teeth.”
A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police denies rumours that the Anti Urban Fox Brigade is behind the frankly ridiculous accusations. The AUFB are well known advocates of culling urban foxes on account of them being a fucking pain in the arse. City dwellers have long complained that foxes are a blight on whole neighbourhoods, shitting on peoples’ driveways, ripping bins bags open and strewing the contents everywhere, and shagging in the middle of the night with a noise like Valkyries being stabbed.
Red-Mane believes AUFB organisers have jumped on the opportunity to blame foxes for the spate of highly skilled surgical procedures inflicted on cats over the past 3 years. “This is a P.R. disaster for us, not to mention potentially fatal if those nutters get their way. But before we sue the Met, we’re going to enlist the help of those Save The Badger people. If they can save those weird stripey buggers, I’m sure they save us!”