Your Fitbit is a voyeuristic pervert (and you love it), suggests new evidence

Wearable technology has risen in popularity over recent years.  Over the last couple of years, health tracker pros Fitbit have risen from niche gadget, to must-have accessory.

These widely used doodads boast a shedload of smart sensors able to track and record everything you do, from competing in a triathlon, to walking the width of your living-room, to flicking your hand idly at a wasp buzzing it’s bastard head into your ice-cream licking session.  They also enable users to manually log their food and water intake, weight, menstrual cycle, and how often they floss.

The effectiveness of the gadgets is what first led to concern, as Pepe Tom of North London explains: “If anything, my Fitbit is over-sensitive.  For example, one night I was lying next to my girlfriend in bed and picked up my phone to check a notification.

“When I unlocked the phone, it opened on the Fitbit app, and I realised it had recorded absolutely nothing for the past 20 minutes.  It was as if I was asleep. Or dead. My initial thought was that the battery had run down, but it was showing 60% charge.”

Tom’s girlfriend, Lois, chimes in.  “I had to reassure him that he is in no way disappointing in bed.  He is, in fact, quite a go-er.”

Intrigued by this, the couple set up an online campaign encouraging users to have the most acrobatic, energetic sex possible, and track the results.  Astonishingly, of the 205,069 participants, all reported the same thing; dead space in the tracker log.

“This led us to a startling conclusion.  No matter how furiously you and your partner go at it- and we’re talking some really fucked up shit here- it simply blanks out.  Which means it has chosen not to record that activity as exercise.  Which means it knows exactly what you’re doing. Which means your sordid data is being packaged up and sold to all and sundry.”

Fitbit was unavailable for comment yesterday, but it’s Privacy Policy on it’s website contains the following clause on page 3,576: “Fitbit records everything, and is free to profit from the transfer of data to third parties, including Facebook, quite possibly.  Or are we?  You’ll never know.  Yep, that’s right, you’re our bitches and you love it, you filthy whores.”

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