‘A-list celebrity orgy coke mansion’ drugs bust: police ask public not to speculate, after giving hardly any information

Sensational and lurid details of a dawn drugs raid at a secret address in Surrey have been annoyingly withheld by Surrey police. The raid yesterday has led to 3 arrests.  A number of high-profile celebrities, thought to have been engaged in bizarre sex acts at the time, have been detained for questioning. The celebrities include several icons of the entertainment industry and a number of famous actors and MPs, some of whom are knights of the realm.

A police spokesman said today, “The public will be shocked to find out exactly who those children’s TV presenters are. I nearly choked on my bagel when I found out what they had in their mouths when they were discovered. I mean bloody hell, it’s disgusting.  I can’t give any further details now as investigations are ongoing.”

A press release states: “We are urging the tabloid press not to speculate at this stage, or to even cover the story. We are not telling them very much at all but we don’t want them making up their own ‘facts’ in case it jeopardises our investigation. And the public are being advised not to engage in idle tittle-tattle on social media. There’s nothing to see here, honestly. Forget you ever heard about it.”