Office air conditioning incapable of operating at comfortable temperature

Every air-conditioning unit in every workplace around the country has been designed to freeze people’s balls off, complain employees. The frost in the photo above is on the inside of the window.

We spoke to office worker Terry Fyffe. “People think that if they set the temperature to 18 degrees and put it on ‘cold’ it will give them a pleasant 18 degree light breeze. But it won’t. It’s either freezing your nuts to minus 10, or it’s off, and everyone is slipping into a sweat-soaked coma. Nobody actually knows how to work the damn things”, he complains.

Air-conditioning unit designer Helmut Basing-Pantera is apologetic. “I designed the type of unit that appears in every shop, office and restaurant around the country. You know, that massive square one that’s recessed into the ceiling and made of cheap white plastic that goes beige after a couple of years. It’s the only kind you ever see. But I realise now that I may have fucked up, because even when it’s 95 degrees in the shade outside, people have to sit around wearing thick woolly jumpers and long socks with boots. I didn’t think to design different sizes for workspaces that might be different sizes. Or maybe I did, and shopfitters can’t be arsed to go past page 1 of the ventilation catalogue.”

Fyffe is unimpressed with the explanation. “Lorraine in accounts sits nearest the control panel and has had to start turning it on and off again every 5 minutes.” He looks down at his frostbitten fingers. “She found a penguin living in the filing cabinet last week.”

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