Owning a high-performance sports car in central London totally worth it

Being the owner of an obscenely expensive performance car which you can normally only drive at 10 miles per hour may seem like a waste of money, but is it?

We spoke to 20-year old Lamborghini owner Freddie, and his dad William, who owns a Ferrari and is currently enjoying a mid-life crisis.  “Being able to drive a very short distance at a dangerously high speed is the highlight of my day”, says Freddie.  “The guy in the showroom told me to forget about tooling around the foothills of the Italian Alps with the sun glinting off the bonnet, because that’s just a load of marketing bollocks.  He was right.  Throttling up a V10 engine that’s capable of doing 0-60 in three and a half seconds is so much better in drizzle.”

Dad William agrees.  “I wouldn’t have got my hot young French girlfriend if it wasn’t for the Ferrari.  I can dawdle around the streets of Knightsbridge in a car that’s 3 feet tall and 7 feet wide, looking like a cool dude, despite having a bald head and this massive paunch.  The chicks love it.  Straight outta Brompton, that’s me.”

“The noise is deafening when the sodding things are revving up”, a pissed off Chelsea resident told us. “I look out of the window and can see them zooming off in a cloud of dust, until the next set of lights, where they have to stand on the brakes to stop in time.  Sloane Street is like a drag racing strip, if drag racing involved covering 50 yards in 4 seconds with the added jeopardy of colliding with a Deliveroo bike.”

Freddie looks on as the wheel clampers immobilise his Lambo.  “I probably shouldn’t have parked it in the doorway of Harrods.  I’ll have to get the bus home now.”

Are you a dynamic self-starter who is passionate about customer service? Our guide to the wankiest job adverts

Most people don’t live up to the bullshit demands that a job advert insists upon, despite lying convincingly on their c.v. that they have all the required attributes.  Here is The Bluelands Gazette guide to the meaningless drivel that you might come across in the search for your next exciting career opportunity.

Dynamic self-starter:
This sounds like they are looking for someone with the entrepreneurial acumen of        Richard Branson, when the job in question is Assistant Manager in a shoe shop. Don’t worry too much about this requirement if the most challenging aspect of the job is stacking shoeboxes with the bar code facing outwards. The only dynamism you’ll need is remembering to offer shoe polish at checkout.

Passionate about customer service:
Anybody who claims they are passionate about customer service is a liar, or a desperately sad, dead-eyed, humourless greyling who thinks serving customers constitutes a meaningful existence.  All you need to do is bring people their shoes without looking as if you’d like to kill them.

Your next exciting career opportunity:
Hate your current job? Experience the horror all over again with this job, which will be more of the same, but more disappointing, much sooner.

Proven track record in sales:
No one can really prove how much they sold in their last job, so just lie in the interview.

Hungry for success:
This means they are looking for someone happy to work 60+ hours a week and avoids lunch breaks by having soup intravenously dripped into their veins at their desk. They are cold-hearted bastards who will hoof you under a bus at the first sign your sales are slipping.

OTE 80K+  (also known as ‘uncapped commission’)
Wow, the sky’s the limit for the successful candidate, right? Wrong.  It’ll take years to get anywhere near the temptingly astronomical commissions being promised here. Just because it’s theoretically possible, doesn’t mean it’s physically likely.  Although, if you are a psychopath who wouldn’t hesitate to steal clients from colleagues and lie to get a sale, you’ll probably do well.

Competitive salary:
This phrase is reserved for industries where all employers pay roughly the same, i.e. not much.

Equal opportunities employer:
This is as pointless a statement as informing people that the flight they are on is non-smoking.

Good luck!

‘A-list celebrity orgy coke mansion’ drugs bust: police ask public not to speculate, after giving hardly any information

Sensational and lurid details of a dawn drugs raid at a secret address in Surrey have been annoyingly withheld by Surrey police. The raid yesterday has led to 3 arrests.  A number of high-profile celebrities, thought to have been engaged in bizarre sex acts at the time, have been detained for questioning. The celebrities include several icons of the entertainment industry and a number of famous actors and MPs, some of whom are knights of the realm.

A police spokesman said today, “The public will be shocked to find out exactly who those children’s TV presenters are. I nearly choked on my bagel when I found out what they had in their mouths when they were discovered. I mean bloody hell, it’s disgusting.  I can’t give any further details now as investigations are ongoing.”

A press release states: “We are urging the tabloid press not to speculate at this stage, or to even cover the story. We are not telling them very much at all but we don’t want them making up their own ‘facts’ in case it jeopardises our investigation. And the public are being advised not to engage in idle tittle-tattle on social media. There’s nothing to see here, honestly. Forget you ever heard about it.”

Office air conditioning incapable of operating at comfortable temperature

Every air-conditioning unit in every workplace around the country has been designed to freeze people’s balls off, complain employees. The frost in the photo above is on the inside of the window.

We spoke to office worker Terry Fyffe. “People think that if they set the temperature to 18 degrees and put it on ‘cold’ it will give them a pleasant 18 degree light breeze. But it won’t. It’s either freezing your nuts to minus 10, or it’s off, and everyone is slipping into a sweat-soaked coma. Nobody actually knows how to work the damn things”, he complains.

Air-conditioning unit designer Helmut Basing-Pantera is apologetic. “I designed the type of unit that appears in every shop, office and restaurant around the country. You know, that massive square one that’s recessed into the ceiling and made of cheap white plastic that goes beige after a couple of years. It’s the only kind you ever see. But I realise now that I may have fucked up, because even when it’s 95 degrees in the shade outside, people have to sit around wearing thick woolly jumpers and long socks with boots. I didn’t think to design different sizes for workspaces that might be different sizes. Or maybe I did, and shopfitters can’t be arsed to go past page 1 of the ventilation catalogue.”

Fyffe is unimpressed with the explanation. “Lorraine in accounts sits nearest the control panel and has had to start turning it on and off again every 5 minutes.” He looks down at his frostbitten fingers. “She found a penguin living in the filing cabinet last week.”