Network Rail spokesman Rob Warnham has given The Bluelands Gazette a handy guide to its latest rollcall of potential cock-ups that will doubtless mess up your day.
1. Thieves on the line
There are few things more likely to cause an entire network to grind to a halt than the presence of thieving bastards nicking bits of copper cabling and stuff.
2. Person on top of a train
Overcrowding on trains may be a well-know issue, but there is simply no excuse to be climbing onto the roof of a train in order to get a seat. It may be acceptable in Bangladesh, but it’s not acceptable in Putney.
3. The wrong kind of rain
The kind of rain which is wet spells disaster for things which aren’t waterproof, like signalling equipment, a tinny and unintelligible P.A. system, and a precariously overhanging mudbank.
4. Status Quo tribute act Status No performing an impromptu trackside gig due to their train being cancelled because of thieves on the line.
We’re not ruling it out happening again.