The Bluelands Gazette unveils 2 million pound state-of-the-art website upgrade

We are excited to the point of moistness to announce that our new website is up and running after its recent upgrade. The new interface will offer readers a user experience that until now only existed in the brains of the design team who created it.

TBG_2.0, to give it it’s slightly unnecessary working title, is the creation of Dark Aston-based design studio Bluehythe Creative Ltd. Design Director Steven Trigg-Yarwood, who coaxed almost £2 million out of us, was unavailable to be interviewed due to an unexpected family emergency in the Seychelles. However his presentation to us during the development phase promised ‘a visually stunning masterpiece at the cutting-edge of 21st century website design’.

We hope that you are impressed with our new look, and will continue to support, share, like and re-tweet us as often as possible, because we got a bit carried away and overspent by about £2 million pounds and could do with the exposure. From the whole team… happy reading!

‘The Dark and Lonely Water’ and ‘Apaches’ worst part of growing up in the 80’s, say middle-aged Brits

An entire generation of British adults will never forget being terrorised as children, by what would now receive thousands of complaints from child welfare groups, but which back in the day schoolteachers took a perverse delight in forcing kids to watch. The so-called ‘educational’ government information short films, designed to warn children of the dangers of doing pretty much everything, were an unavoidable part of growing up in the 70’s and 80’s.

“We did have to stifle a sadistic chuckle every time we showed ‘Apaches’ to the kids”, recalls Mr Gaylord, a retired English teacher from Hull. “Particularly that bit where the kid drowns in a vat of cow shit. Oh my God, the looks on their faces! They nearly died of shock, some of them. Ahahaha!”

Maths teacher from the 80’s Miss Beaver, from Runcorn, has fond memories of that one where the boy gets electrocuted retrieving a football from an electricity sub-station. “The sight of his smoking corpse made some of the children in my class gag. It was so funny to see the little fuckers squirm. Serves them right for taking the piss out of my name.”

Ex-schoolboy Ed Thompson, 44, remembers the films well. “After hearing Donald Pleasance at the age of 10 threatening you like a posh mafia don from inside your telly, about how a muddy puddle will probably kill you, you’d never want to go outside again. That’s why I don’t mind my own kids playing World of Warcraft with a KFC bargain bucket and the curtains drawn. Less danger of being picked off by the grim reaper.”

A selection of gratuitously violent recommended for children aged 7 and over are available now on You Tube.

Car alarm most pointless invention that everyone owns

The ear-splitting shriek of a car alarm doesn’t have the effect on people that it was originally intended to, according to a leading car magazine. Instead of scaring the shit out of a would-be car thief and making him run away, car thieves know how to disable an alarm with a few taps on a mobile phone, after which they’ll open the door and fill a bag with the contents of the glove box, loose change left in that tray thing next to the gear stick, and that expensive leather jacket you left on the back seat.  If your motor is fancy, they might even drive it away and sell it on to Harry ‘the hoist’ Vaughan for a re-spray and a cross-Channel trip to Cherbourg.

For some inexplicable reason, almost all modern cars are fitted with an alarm despite drivers knowing that their neighbours are not the community spirited vigilantes they would like to think they are, and will not come rushing out to tackle a TWOCcer in the middle of the night.  In fact, in a recent survey carried out by Who’s Car? magazine, 100% of people would ignore a car alarm whilst praying the car will spontaneously combust and fry the electrics.

Cars are now only protected against pigeons landing on them, cats walking near them, and overhead thunderstorms.  Says Who’s Car? spokesman Colin Breezedale, “But voted the most irritating use of a car alarm is when a woman accidentally sets it off getting into her husband’s car and not knowing how to turn it off.”

Packaged food isn’t getting smaller, human hands are getting bigger

Producers of some of the nation’s favourite food brands have insisted that packaged goods are not getting smaller, contrary to claims on social media from disgruntled consumers.  Instead, in a remarkable twist, they say that human hands have evolved to be larger with each passing generation, and continue to grow throughout our adult life.

This hasn’t always been the case, according to a study commissioned by Nesbury’s Foods.  A gene long thought to be useless, that makes hands start growing again, has been ‘switched on’ in most adults since the 1980’s.  It is this that causes people to believe they are being ripped off in the supermarkets.  “This increased growth won’t be noticeable to most of us, we’re talking only 3 or 4 millimetres a year, but Waggon Weelz and Mrs Crimbo’s Coconut Macaroons will appear smaller than when you were a child”, explains a Nesbury’s Foods spokeswoman.  “So you can all stop implying that we’re putting up prices whilst reducing pack sizes.”

In related confectionery news, the makers of Tromblerone Pointy Chocolate have announced that there are exactly the same number of their famous chocolate peaks as there always has been.  It’s just that the gene that causes human eyes to grow further apart has been switched on by environmental pollutants, causing the peaks to look more spaced apart.  “This effect is only noticeable in chocolate, though”, say Nesbury’s.

Babies require more random crap for a morning in the park than most people take on a fortnight’s holiday

A new study published today shows that the stuff mothers take to the park for their babies would push the maximum baggage allowance on an international flight.

Claire Jamieson, mum of 14-month old Ruby, insists that every item is absolutely essential for her weekly picnic with her friend Gemma and Gemma’s 13-month old Aaron.  “I need nappies, wet-wipes, a bib, a Sippy Cup, a plastic plate, plastic spoon, jars of baby food, a camping stove, saucepan, gas bottle, blankets, laptop, spare Sippy Cup, more nappies, clean romper suit, socks, a spanner, woolly hat, box of tissues, more nappies, 5 litres of water, rubbish bags, organic string, more nappies, another Sippy Cup, orange juice, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, some bungee cords, Jimmy the Rabbit, Marty the Marmoset, emergency nappies, talcum powder and a cannula.”

We ask Claire what the spanner is for.  “I can’t remember, but there was a time last summer in the park where I thought ‘I wish I had a spanner right now’, and since then I’ve always brought one just in case.”

According to the study, picnics with babies generally consist of 3 hours of cleaning things up and retrieving dropped or thrown objects. Not much eating goes on for Claire and Gemma. “We usually eat the kids’ leftovers by scraping it off their bibs with a spoon, although I occasionally find time to grab a handful of grass and leaves from whichever tree we’re sitting under.”

4 new delay reasons added to rail companies’ random excuse generator

Network Rail spokesman Rob Warnham has given The Bluelands Gazette a handy guide to its latest rollcall of potential cock-ups that will doubtless mess up your day.

1.  Thieves on the line
There are few things more likely to cause an entire network to grind to a halt than the presence of thieving bastards nicking bits of copper cabling and stuff.

2.  Person on top of a train
Overcrowding on trains may be a well-know issue, but there is simply no excuse to be climbing onto the roof of a train in order to get a seat.  It may be acceptable in Bangladesh, but it’s not acceptable in Putney.

3.  The wrong kind of rain
The kind of rain which is wet spells disaster for things which aren’t waterproof, like signalling equipment, a tinny and unintelligible P.A. system, and a precariously overhanging mudbank.

4.  Status Quo tribute act Status No performing an impromptu trackside gig due to their train being cancelled because of thieves on the line.
We’re not ruling it out happening again.