The hot weather of the past week has been a warning shot across the bows of pasty-faced, milk bottle-legged, inappropriately hairy Brits, say weather forecasters.
The UK has been taken entirely by surprise by the unseasonal heatwave, with people not knowing whether to put the winter jumpers into storage, or keep them out ‘in case it turns to shit again’. The resulting turnout on the morning commute has revealed a bizarre mixture of faux fur trimmed parkas, cotton skirts, flip-flops and Arran sweaters, sometimes on the same person.
Advice from the Met Office is to exfoliate and wax the bristles from your scaly winter legs, and get yourself a good bottle of fake tan. “A brand new pair of Jimmy Choo sandals will look like they came from Primark if your feet have the appearance of the gnarly claws of a Bald Eagle. Get them seen to, for fuck’s sake.”
However, despite the best advice for the warm summer ahead, there will still be a girl wearing Uggs in 90 degree heat.