Being a good samaritan guaranteed to get you death threats

Helping out people in times of dire need, far from making you a shining example of community spirit, will actually make you a detestable member of society.  This is according to new research published today.

Vanessa Winch from Sunderland, who recently set up a Just Giving page for her terminally ill neighbour, has just entered The Guinness Book of World Records for receiving the most number of death threats in a single month.  “Complete strangers were slagging me off on social media and telling me they know where I live.  I’m now expecting around 15 armed assassins, 27 letter bombs, and several arsonists.  These people don’t sound like the combat-hardened mercenaries they claim to be, though.  They have handles like IckleKitten and Podgy_Bear_87.”

The team who carried out the research advise against doing good deeds.  “If someone is drowning in a pond, or being dragged towards a live minefield by a runaway tractor, just dial 999 and leave a voicemail.  That’s what the emergency services are there for.  And if you absolutely must raise funds for a charity, don’t bother advertising it on Facebook or Twitter.  That’s asking for trouble.  You might just as well wear a t-shirt saying ‘beat me till I stop breathing’.

We approached Podgy_Bear_87 for an explanation as to why he threatened to burn Winch’s home down, but he told us to go and die in a hole. “Aw, bless,” says Winch.  “He must be some morbidly obese chav who still lives with his parents and has had a really boring life.  I’m going to start a fundraiser to buy him a gym membership.”

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