Helping out people in times of dire need, far from making you a shining example of community spirit, will actually make you a detestable member of society. This is according to new research published today.
Vanessa Winch from Sunderland, who recently set up a Just Giving page for her terminally ill neighbour, has just entered The Guinness Book of World Records for receiving the most number of death threats in a single month. “Complete strangers were slagging me off on social media and telling me they know where I live. I’m now expecting around 15 armed assassins, 27 letter bombs, and several arsonists. These people don’t sound like the combat-hardened mercenaries they claim to be, though. They have handles like IckleKitten and Podgy_Bear_87.”
The team who carried out the research advise against doing good deeds. “If someone is drowning in a pond, or being dragged towards a live minefield by a runaway tractor, just dial 999 and leave a voicemail. That’s what the emergency services are there for. And if you absolutely must raise funds for a charity, don’t bother advertising it on Facebook or Twitter. That’s asking for trouble. You might just as well wear a t-shirt saying ‘beat me till I stop breathing’.
We approached Podgy_Bear_87 for an explanation as to why he threatened to burn Winch’s home down, but he told us to go and die in a hole. “Aw, bless,” says Winch. “He must be some morbidly obese chav who still lives with his parents and has had a really boring life. I’m going to start a fundraiser to buy him a gym membership.”