Labour party to stage ‘The Producers’ in fundraiser Fuhrer-ore

Fresh controversy has erupted within the Labour Party this week as leaked NEC minutes reveal Party bosses planned to raise much-needed funds through a semi-professional production of hit Broadway musical The Producers.

The award-winning musical, in which two wannabe theatre producers plan to cash in on investment cheques through staging a show guaranteed to flop, appears to have been suggested by veteran Labour activist Ched Smith, 25, of Haringey, North London.  “It is the perfect opportunity to raise funds while also offering a scathing critique of our exploitative capitalist system, the woefully bourgeois way in which the arts are funded, and shining a light on the plight of the vulnerable elderly in Tory Britain. It should also help us build bridges with The Jew, whom, as we all know, controls the arts and media”, the minutes quote him as saying.

The issue was compounded when Labour grandee and self-appointed anti-semitism expert Ben Levenstein was grilled by Andy Carr on his Sunday morning BBC politics program.  Said Levenstein, when asked by Carr to justify the decision to stage The Producers for the fundraising event, “The Labour party has always been the Party of the underdog, and this sympathetic account of one of 20th century Europe’s most misunderstood statesmen is both timely and in keeping with Labour tradition.”

When asked by Carr to clarify his comments about the play, which pokes fun at Hitler, Levenstein explained, “The play is about two plucky producers on a quest to reveal the truth about The Fuhrer through their musical biopic Springtime For Hitler.  However, on the opening night of Springtime, the lead actor is mysteriously incapacitated by a Zionist hit-squad and replaced with a Mossad stooge who reduces The Fuhrer to a laughing stock, revealing the lengths Israel will go to to avoid the truth being told.”

Aaron Sachs, secretary for The Movement of Jewish Labour Members, initially responded to reports quoting Mr Levenstein’s comments by saying “Oh for fuck’s sake, not again” before composing himself adding “the press can find the MJLM’s official response to Ben’s comments on the FAQs page of our website.”  The page, last updated in 2002, simply reads “The MJLM unequivocally condemns whatever ill-judged bollocks Ben has gone and said this time.”

Pallid Brits given reprieve as cooler weather presents final opportunity to wax, tan, and get a pedicure

The hot weather of the past week has been a warning shot across the bows of pasty-faced, milk bottle-legged, inappropriately hairy Brits, say weather forecasters.

The UK has been taken entirely by surprise by the unseasonal heatwave, with people not knowing whether to put the winter jumpers into storage, or keep them out ‘in case it turns to shit again’.  The resulting turnout on the morning commute has revealed a bizarre mixture of faux fur trimmed parkas, cotton skirts, flip-flops and Arran sweaters, sometimes on the same person.

Advice from the Met Office is to exfoliate and wax the bristles from your scaly winter legs, and get yourself a good bottle of fake tan.  “A brand new pair of Jimmy Choo sandals will look like they came from Primark if your feet have the appearance of the gnarly claws of a Bald Eagle. Get them seen to, for fuck’s sake.”

However, despite the best advice for the warm summer ahead, there will still be a girl wearing Uggs in 90 degree heat.

New figures just in: MPs spend more time apologising for stuff they’ve said than on doing their jobs

MPs find it almost impossible to get through a week without saying or tweeting something racist, sexist, homophobic or gingerist, says a new report out today. The writing of official apologies in order to try and mitigate any offence caused now takes up approximately 64% of the average MP’s working week.

The split between types of offense caused makes for interesting reading, too. Conservative MPs are partial to traditional, well-worn offensive remarks involving misogyny, or simple pompous elitism. But the younger generation just starting out in their political careers, particularly left-leaning liberals, are more likely to find that an immature racist or anti-semitic tweet from their student days will re-surface at a crucial point to ruin their future in politics.

Staff turnover in politics is at it’s highest ever, with many parliamentarians opting to take the easy way out and simply resign, rather than write a grovelling apology in the public domain. Many resign after writing an apology anyway, as it has become increasingly obvious that apologising is a waste of time, and will definitely be thrown back in their face by everyone on the internet. Not making an apology is career suicide, so resigning is the most sensible option for most. Newly elected opposition MP Nathan Fox-Dalkey told us, “I’m looking forward to serving my constituents, tweeting something utterly heinous and having to resign all before my 30th birthday. I’ve already started saving up to buy a coffee shop once my political ambitions are destroyed forever.”

Only 245 shopping days till Christmas

Retailers across the borough are already looking forward to a brisk few months’ trading in the run up to Christmas.  Although the festive rush has been slow to start, local businesses are confident they will see a pick up soon.

A spokesman for Sportz Direkt, which have branches in Downedge and Bluehythe, told The Bluelands Gazette that Christmas displays are starting to go up in their stores.  “Every retailer likes to be first with their seasonal displays, in order to grab an early market share before their competitors.  We carried out a survey to find out how people would feel about a springtime Christmas launch.  The feedback from our hand-picked respondents of our suppliers and their families, weirdos who celebrate Christmas all year round, and people with a serious addiction to shopping regardless of how much debt they are in, is one of excitement and positivity.”

However, the shoppers we spoke to out and about last week have mixed feelings.  “I haven’t even been on my summer holiday yet and I’m already seeing festive gift ideas for the whole family”, complains one. “It’s still only April, for fuck’s sake, and there’s tinsel up in Marks and Sparks.  But I don’t want to miss out on the 60″ HDTV I’ve just seen in Jane Lewis, at the not-to-be-missed bargain price of £3,095 with 28.2% APR finance available, terms and conditions apply.  My benefit cheque comes through soon, so it’s perfect timing.”

Black Friday in Bluelands will be on Friday 27th April.

Man who sits in car late at night with engine running for bloody ages unable to explain why

Have you ever wondered who it is that sits in their car at one o’clock in the morning outside your house with the engine running? So have we.

It turns out that the culprit is a man whose hobby it is to burn the unwanted excess petrol in his tank in the dead of night. Despite knowing that most people will be trying to sleep, he sometimes also enjoys having the radio on unnecessarily loudly, and doesn’t give a shit that his noisy, fume-laden presence is keeping you awake. “I have absolutely no idea why I do it”, shrugs John, 48, from Welwyn. “Perhaps it’s because I enjoy wasting money, polluting the air and pissing off the neighbours.”

“Most Friday and Saturday nights he’s out there, the engine idling for no reason whatsoever”, complains John’s wife. “He was out there for fucking ages last night and then he eventually got out he slammed the door so hard the dog woke up and barked for half an hour. Sometimes I fantasise that he’s got a hosepipe leading from the exhaust in through his window.”

True life stories: my Bitmoji is hotter than me

Women are consistently failing to live up the image of their cute and sassy online avatar, and the problem is getting worse, say support groups.

Creating a virtual cartoon character that resembles yourself is very much the in thing these days.  The app, developed by a Canada-based tech company, allow users to design their facial features, hairstyle, and then choose an outfit from a wide selection of things Canadians and North Americans usually wear.  We spoke to two women who feel slightly inferior to their Bitmoji characters.

Kathryn, 34, from Exeter, is envious of her Bitmoji’s lifestyle. “She’s recently been skiing, in fact she seems to spend a lot of time on holiday in exotic places. And she’s in love with someone.  Whereas I work in a call centre and can’t stand my husband.  It’s made me feel quite annoyed, actually.”  Emily is 25 and from Chelmsford.  “Her cheekbones look amazing and her hair is always perfect.  I know I created her to look like me, but my friends say I look dog-rough compared to her. Hashtag sad face.”

The pressure to always look good and have a fabulous lifestyle, even when you actually work in insurance and spend nights in watching Gogglebox with a frozen cottage pie, is hard to bear sometimes. Support groups say that Kathryn and Emily’s cases are typical. “We see a lot of women experiencing a kind of self-inflicted existential horror over how their Bitmoji seems to be mocking their lives”, says Dr. Ann Mercer. “For example, my  own Bitmoji looks 20 years younger than me and has a repertoire of around 20 different fancy dress costumes.  She looks adorable in the bumble bee outfit.”

However, Emily isn’t ready to delete the app just yet.  “I’m going to show a picture of my Bitmoji to my hairdresser.  I want that pink and blonde ombre balayage.”