Pub waiters just f*cking with you, it has emerged

Waiting staff at local pubs get through the day mainly by fucking with the customers, new research shows.

The research, carried out over a decade and employing a mixed methodologies approach including surveys, semi-structured interviews and participant-observation, was published today in Bartenders and Publicans Monthly. A staggering 89% of pub wait staff admitted that their primary source of job satisfaction was fucking with the customers.

Tracey James, a waitress at a local pub in South London, was typical: “Our pub has a policy of not leaving cutlery or condiments on tables or at stations accessible to customers. We tell people this is to prevent waste, but actually we just do it for shits and giggles. It means that we can bring you your piping hot plate of food, place it ceremoniously in front of you, then leave you staring at it for 10 minutes while we disappear to get you cutlery or a miniscule ramekin of ketchup. By the time we have returned from our fag break with the essential missing items, your food will be stone cold. The look of confused disappointment takes the sting out of the tip-free minimum-wage shit-a-thon of our 12 hour shifts.”

Pub customer and self-proclaimed ‘urban survivalist’ Ray Smith said “Joke’s on them. I always carry a spork and a few sachets of mayo and mustard in my utility belt. You never know when you might get stranded between South Bermondsey and London Bridge and have to resort to cannibalism. Wouldn’t want to face that scenario without a choice of English and French mustard.”

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