People who drink neither tea nor coffee are not to be trusted

Tea and coffee drinkers are normal members of society, whereas those who don’t are thought to be psychopaths, and should be avoided at all costs.  This is according to the results of a study entitled “Nutters in the workplace: the importance of hot beverages in a functional work environment”.

Respondent Timothy Fenster, who drinks tea and works with 2 non-tea/coffee drinkers, agrees.  “James in Auditing only drinks Diet Coke and doesn’t touch the P G Tips or the Nescafe Original we buy in absolutely humongous quantities.  He’s a bit of a loner and has very poor social skills.  He eats Weetabix with sweetened soy milk every single day for lunch, at exactly twelve minutes past one, and won’t let anyone borrow his stapler.”

Evidence of tea or coffee drinking may be legally requested in a job interview in order to avoid hiring a candidate who could cause the total collapse of a functional workforce.

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