High Speed 2 tunnels to be dug by rabbits in bid to plug government funding gap

It has been revealed this week in a leaked document that rabbits will be employed to dig tunnels on the Crewe to Manchester section of HS2. Phase 2 is reported to be millions of pounds over budget already and rabbit wrangling companies are now being invited to tender for contracts.

A government spokesman said in a statement that the shortfall in funding for the project was mainly due to the underestimating how much things cost. “We had no idea that stuff was so expensive, so we have had to revise our figures. Our contingency budget, put aside for unexpected costs like blowing up hills with dynamite, was inadequate.  Also, we did the original quote a few years ago and we forgot about inflation, so now everything has gone up.”

Rabbit trade union W.A.R.R.E.N have welcomed the news. General Secretary Bob ‘Bunny’ Morley said “This is great news for our members. Thousands of new jobs will be created bringing rabbits from across the country to the north. Rabbits have suffered a negative backlash recently and it’s about time the government takes responsibility for securing the future for a leporine workforce.”

Leading bunny, Peter Rabbit, currently starring in the new Peter Rabbit movie, is pleased that rabbits are finally being taken seriously. “Many rabbits like myself have turned to acting due to few other career paths open to us. Watership Down was the turning point, although we did admittedly traumatise a generation of children. And my friends Flopsey, Mopsey and Cottontail have got into a spot of bother recently with internet trolls.  HS2 will prove to humans that we’re not a bunch of bullying, rabid war-mongers.”

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