Sh*tstorm of weather related clusterf*ckery brings country to it’s fr*gging knees

A short flurry of snow has swept across Southern and Eastern England as predicted, bringing with it light breezes and chilly air.

The ‘beast from the east’, as it was dubbed by the Met Office when it was still over a week away, has so far failed to live up to it’s terrifying name. The cataclysmic Siberian blizzards and death-inducing temperatures have so far failed to appear, and predictions of polar bears roaming the Norfolk Broads are looking improbable.

Despite the promised killing fields of East Anglia being something of a no-show, all transport systems are utterly screwed.   A spokesman for Southern Rail, whose slapstick incompetence at being a rail network last year ruined thousands of livelihoods, warned that the inclement weather was the excuse they’ve been hoping for to cancel loads of services and knock off early.  “We’ve been anxiously watching the weather reports hoping for the drop in temperatures that will justify our crapness. It’s not our fault that it’s snowing, surely no one can blame us for that.”

Road gritters have already run out of grit despite there being a 90 million ton mountain of it somewhere off the M62, and although airports have managed to stay open so far, holidaymakers are being advised to bring a tent and divert their post to whichever airport they’re supposed to be flying from.

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