A new study published today has revealed that lower middle-class Londoners are the most likely demographic in the UK to commit petty crimes.
The study’s author, Dr. Rav Speakmann of think-tank Fuck My Life explains. “Today’s 30 to 50-somethings are becoming increasingly dissatisfied with their status-quo and are looking for alternative lifestyles that are less stressful for them. With the possibility of ever owning their own home about as likely as being struck by lightning whilst performing puissance on a unicorn, these are people desperate for a complete life overhaul. Unfulfilling jobs with shitty bosses, a commute that makes you want to scream and the rising cost of tapas have all contributed to this despair.”
We spoke to ex-retail manager Jemima Fenton, who is currently doing a five-stretch for twoccing cars. “My cell is basic but fairly comfortable, and we get 3 meals a day, regular exercise and a games room. I have none of the responsibilities of trying to keep my poorly-paid job in retail going. I’m a lot happier than I was on the outside.”
However, the HMP Inspectorate warns that tahini has now become a contraband substance.