Weapons-grade wasabi to be stockpiled at secret defence facility

Research into the use of wasabi as a deadly nerve agent is now complete, says the Ministry of Defence.  The thick green paste popular in Japanese cuisine is to be stored in a secure facility ahead of it being incorporated into the UK’s defence program.

We spoke to Professor Collette Pennygael of UK chemical research establishment Porton Down.  “We are all familiar with the sensation of wanting to rip our own faces off with our bare hands when we accidentally eat too much wasabi”, she explains. “Secret testing in recent years has lead to the conclusion that this horrific substance is an ideal agent to subdue a population on a mass scale. “

The investigation, dubbed Operation Satan’s Horseradish, has taken 6 years at a cost of over a billion pounds.  Intended to eventually replace the Trident nuclear program once the current contract runs out, the wasabi will be stored in specially designed vessels and kept several metres underground.

“We cannot reveal how it will be deployed”, continues Professor Pennygael, “but trust me, it can take down a whole fucking city in minutes.”

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