Grown men and women who think it is acceptable to paint their faces like toddlers will be subject to penalties under tough new sanctions proposed this week.
If successful, anyone aged 18 or over will be fined if caught in public with a painted face, although professional clowns can apply for a special licence that exempts them from following the rules.
The number of adults who have been seen in public wearing football and rugby team colours, national flags and characters from Disney films on their faces has increased in recent years sparking accusations of childhood appropriation. Rugby stadia have been plagued this month, during the start of the Six Nations Championship, with embarrassingly poor attempts at the flags of the countries competing plastered onto the over-excited faces of thousands of fans. P.C. Corey Maslin, a police officer who regularly patrols Murrayfield on horseback during matches, is in favour of the new ban. “These people look completely bloody ridiculous. I’m tired of having to look at their pathetic, sweaty, streak-stained efforts.”
Music festival organisers have greeted the news with anger, claiming that people who are stoned and/or shitfaced have no control over their facial appearance and may succumb to a Hannibal Lector paint job ‘for a laugh’.
A short flurry of snow has swept across Southern and Eastern England as predicted, bringing with it light breezes and chilly air.
The ‘beast from the east’, as it was dubbed by the Met Office when it was still over a week away, has so far failed to live up to it’s terrifying name. The cataclysmic Siberian blizzards and death-inducing temperatures have so far failed to appear, and predictions of polar bears roaming the Norfolk Broads are looking improbable.
Despite the promised killing fields of East Anglia being something of a no-show, all transport systems are utterly screwed. A spokesman for Southern Rail, whose slapstick incompetence at being a rail network last year ruined thousands of livelihoods, warned that the inclement weather was the excuse they’ve been hoping for to cancel loads of services and knock off early. “We’ve been anxiously watching the weather reports hoping for the drop in temperatures that will justify our crapness. It’s not our fault that it’s snowing, surely no one can blame us for that.”
Road gritters have already run out of grit despite there being a 90 million ton mountain of it somewhere off the M62, and although airports have managed to stay open so far, holidaymakers are being advised to bring a tent and divert their post to whichever airport they’re supposed to be flying from.
A new study published today has revealed that lower middle-class Londoners are the most likely demographic in the UK to commit petty crimes.
The study’s author, Dr. Rav Speakmann of think-tank Fuck My Life explains. “Today’s 30 to 50-somethings are becoming increasingly dissatisfied with their status-quo and are looking for alternative lifestyles that are less stressful for them. With the possibility of ever owning their own home about as likely as being struck by lightning whilst performing puissance on a unicorn, these are people desperate for a complete life overhaul. Unfulfilling jobs with shitty bosses, a commute that makes you want to scream and the rising cost of tapas have all contributed to this despair.”
We spoke to ex-retail manager Jemima Fenton, who is currently doing a five-stretch for twoccing cars. “My cell is basic but fairly comfortable, and we get 3 meals a day, regular exercise and a games room. I have none of the responsibilities of trying to keep my poorly-paid job in retail going. I’m a lot happier than I was on the outside.”
However, the HMP Inspectorate warns that tahini has now become a contraband substance.
Research into the use of wasabi as a deadly nerve agent is now complete, says the Ministry of Defence. The thick green paste popular in Japanese cuisine is to be stored in a secure facility ahead of it being incorporated into the UK’s defence program.
We spoke to Professor Collette Pennygael of UK chemical research establishment Porton Down. “We are all familiar with the sensation of wanting to rip our own faces off with our bare hands when we accidentally eat too much wasabi”, she explains. “Secret testing in recent years has lead to the conclusion that this horrific substance is an ideal agent to subdue a population on a mass scale. “
The investigation, dubbed Operation Satan’s Horseradish, has taken 6 years at a cost of over a billion pounds. Intended to eventually replace the Trident nuclear program once the current contract runs out, the wasabi will be stored in specially designed vessels and kept several metres underground.
“We cannot reveal how it will be deployed”, continues Professor Pennygael, “but trust me, it can take down a whole fucking city in minutes.”
British ex-pats who have emigrated to the Spanish Costas to start a new life in the sun are basically deluding themselves, claim the friends they leave behind.
“My mate Keith and his missus emigrated to Torremolinos last year to follow their dream of running a tacky, unhygienic cafe on the beach front”, says Bob, 58, from Wigan. “He’s been e-mailing to tell me that Sheila’s still bitching at him about her sister’s dickhead boyfriend, and how they row every day about who’s going to wipe the crusty ketchup off the laminated menus. They’re getting divorced now. Seems the Spanish sunshine hasn’t cured them of being miserable bastards after all.”
With the beach resorts full of British bank robbers and wealthy fraudsters on the run from Interpol, making new friends can be difficult, say ex-pats. “Our next-door neighbours seemed lovely”, says Pete, from Sunderland, now living in Alicante. “The husband even helped me fix our patio doors. But we knew something wasn’t quite right about him when a helicopter appeared overhead in the middle of the night and shone a searchlight straight onto their house. Then when we noticed the snipers on the building opposite I said to my wife not to bother asking them for our lawnmower back.” The couple are planning to return to Sunderland. “We don’t trust anyone around here. And it rained every day last week.”
Eddie and Jill have decided to move back to Blackpool. “The grey skies of Blackpool were making us really depressed, so we decided to move to Marbella for a permanent dose of sun, sea and sand”, explains Eddie. “But it turns out that the nicer weather hasn’t cured my depression, or Jill’s. Incredibly our marriage might be in trouble for reasons other than the weather. Besides which, it’s all poncey tapas bars and Michelin starred restaurants out here. Not for us, thank you. We’d rather have a glass of Lambrini and a Ginster’s.”