A survey of the entire UK outside of the M25 has revealed that 82% of people who have never lived in London consider it their moral duty to tell Londoners that they live in a shithole.
The survey was commissioned by think-tank Sceptered Isle, who aim to convince as many Londoners as possible that their city is absolutely heinous. Says Sceptered Isle spokesman Ted Havershaw, from Stoke-on-Trent, “I’ve never lived in London myself, and I wouldn’t want to. In fact I’ve only been to Wembley a few times for the football. But it’s very obvious to me by looking out of the train window that the bit of London I have seen is really horrible.” Mr Havershaw continues, “I don’t understand why over 8 million people would actually choose to live there, with all it’s poncey culture and jobs and stuff.”
By a remarkable coincidence, Mr Havershaw voted to leave the EU in the Brexit vote. “It’s London’s fault the country is in this mess”, he countered. Unfortunately he was unable to elaborate on any aspect of this statement in a coherent way, so we are unable to offer any explanation for the remark.
However, perhaps the last word should go to Jamie Samms, of rival think-tank and London promoters Londiniumville. “I’ve been to Stoke-on-Trent. I honestly thought I’d stumbled into a British remake of The Hills Have Eyes.”