Murders no longer exist, confirm homicide detectives

The latest crime statistics published for 2017 have shown that murder rates in the UK have plummeted to almost zero.

Although this may seem like good news, in fact homicide rates have increased by an inversely proportional amount.  This national trend first became apparent around 3 years ago, when the BBC News started to refer to violent killings as homicides, in an apparent kick in the teeth to the English language.

Detective Chief Superintendent Juliet Carruthers of Greater Manchester Police claims that there were only 3 murders on her patch last year, compared with 14 homicides.  “I don’t know why the British media have started using homicide instead of murder, this isn’t The bloody Wire.  Although I’ve heard that we’re going to be re-named GMPD soon, so who knows where it will all end.”

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