Promotion will only be awarded to company’s biggest arseholes, confirm bosses

Being hardworking, talented and respected by your colleagues is no longer guaranteed to get you further up the career ladder, confirm company bosses in a damning new report out today.  The report suggests that only the most unpleasant, lazy, useless pricks will be enjoying the rewards of increased pay and status-affirming job titles this year.

“The key to career success these days is knowing whose arse to kiss in your organisation”, explains Marek Heaney, a Managing Director based in Swindon.  “It will also benefit you to be narcissistic and manipulative, with a sociopathic ability to be appear charming and knowledgeable to your superiors whilst actually knowing naff all. We just want you to massage our egos and mislead us into thinking that your department would implode without you.”

Heaney acknowledges that this type of favouritism creates a toxic work environment that makes everyone else leave their job. “We don’t care. We’d rather spend an absolute fortune on recruitment than get the office psychopaths to toe the line.  We’re scared of them.”

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