Likening non-vegans to cold-blooded murderers actually quite offensive, say murderers

Convicted murderers up and down the country have reacted angrily to vegans’ claims that meat-eaters are like them, says The Murderers Society of Great Britain.  Society spokesman Karl Kalliendis said yesterday, “As recent news headlines have shown, vegans are harassing their non-vegan friends and acquaintances for eating meat in a desperate bid to appear morally superior.  These people are resorting to slanderous accusations of being an accessory to torture and killing.  We are are massively pissed off about it.”

Celebrated serial killer Geoffrey Nighy, currently serving 4 life sentences for a number of sadistic killings in the 1990’s, recently wrote a letter of support to Amelia Snade* of Tunbridge Wells.  Says Nighy “Being a serial killer requires a dedicated, hands-on approach. People like Amelia don’t know the first thing about murder.  It’s a shame her vegan friends are being such shrieky-voiced nimbys about it.  I’ve told her that if she wants her friends dealt with humanely, I’ve got contacts on the outside who can take care of it.”

We also asked The Rapists Society of Great Britain for a comment on how they feel about being likened to people who enjoy milk in their Earl Grey, but they didn’t understand the question, and neither did we really, so we just left it.

*name has been changed to protect her from furious vegans

GNVQ in bricklaying to include module on casual sexual harassment

The Department for Education has announced plans to introduce a module on sexual harassment to the GNVQ in bricklaying, as part of its strategy to make British construction workers the most misogynistic in the world, it has emerged today.

A source for the DfE was quoted as saying “British male construction workers are leading sexists and the government wishes to capitalise on this valuable skill by ensuring that it is taught to a new generation of trainee construction workers just entering the workplace.”

According to our source, methods such as bellowing at women from high scaffolding like an over-excited baboon will form part of the syllabus, as will the more sophisticated technique of waiting until a woman has walked past, and then muttering something barely audible at her retreating form.  80’s favourite, the wolf-whistle, will be taught as an extra-curricular add-on for those who feel it is still relevant in the 21st century.

Railway construction workers paid to stand around doing nothing

It has been revealed that tens of millions of pounds a year were being paid by Network Rail to Carillion employees to stand next to train tracks and not do anything.

The UK’s second largest construction firm, which went under last week, admit that the traditional sight of workers in hi-vis vests and hard hats hanging around on Bank Holidays doing sod all may be the reason the firm went tits up.

The findings will come as no surprise to commuters and passengers who already pay a frankly ludicrous amount of money on train travel.  Passenger groups have condemned the news.  “Many weekends and public holidays are marred by planned engineering works which result in reduced or even cancelled services,” says spokesman Colin Crannog of Rail Fail.  “But last Sunday morning, as we were held at a red signal waiting for a platform at the next station to become available, I looked out of the window and counted 28 blokes standing around drinking tea whilst one of them poked the sub-ballast with a stick.  Then a different bloke walked 40 yards to a siding where he spoke to some more men for a couple of minutes, walked the 40 yards back to the main group, and then everyone carried on doing nothing.”

An ex-employee of Carillion told us that emergency engineering wastes just as much time and money as the planned stuff.  “No one actually knows what the emergency is when they turn up to site, or how to fix it.  So 20 of them all stand there scratching their heads until one of them figures it out.  This can take a couple of hours and always seems to happen during rush hour. It’s usually some loose Fastclips, though, and you can bet none of them thought to bring a hammer.”

Non-Scottish people who wear tartan are racists guilty of cultural appropriation, say campaigners

Campaigners for the cultural rights of minority peoples say that the wearing of tartan by non-Scots shows ignorance and racism. The claim has been made by self-appointed busybody organisation Kilty As Charged.

Tweets accusing popular singers and musicians of wearing clothing from countries and cultures different to their own appear regularly.  Lana Del Rey was criticised for wearing a Native American headdress in her ‘Ride’ video a few years ago, and more recently, Coldplay were hauled over the coals for shooting a video in India with Beyonce dressed in some Indian clothes.

Kilty As Charged released a statement yesterday in a move to jump on the bandwagon of righteous indignation.  “We abhor the use of tartan outside of Scotland, and/or by people of non-Scottish descent. Tartan has a rich and sacrosanct history in Scotland, and causes us much offence to see Americans or Italians wearing it. People should stick to their own nationality’s clothing.”

Founder of the group Hamish McGregor meets us in his local Kilmarnock pizzeria.  A tall ginger man with long dreadlocks tumbling down his back, he cuts an imposing figure. “I saw someone wearing  tartan socks the other day. This guy had an American accent.  When I confronted him about his socks and where he got them, he just shrugged and said he bought them from Target in New Jersey for $3. And he referred to them as plaid, which is frankly an insult.”

McGregor has come under fire himself for having dreadlocks when he clearly isn’t a Rastafarian. He says he finds the accusation ridiculous, and he can wear his hair how he bloody well likes.

London a horrible place to live, claim people who have never lived in London

A survey of the entire UK outside of the M25 has revealed that 82% of people who have never lived in London consider it their moral duty to tell Londoners that they live in a shithole.

The survey was commissioned by think-tank Sceptered Isle, who aim to convince as many Londoners as possible that their city is absolutely heinous.  Says Sceptered Isle spokesman Ted Havershaw, from Stoke-on-Trent, “I’ve never lived in London myself, and I wouldn’t want to.  In fact I’ve only been to Wembley a few times for the football.  But it’s very obvious to me by looking out of the train window that the bit of London I have seen is really horrible.”  Mr Havershaw continues, “I don’t understand why over 8 million people would actually choose to live there, with all it’s poncey culture and jobs and stuff.”

By a remarkable coincidence, Mr Havershaw voted to leave the EU in the Brexit vote.  “It’s London’s fault the country is in this mess”, he countered. Unfortunately he was unable to elaborate on any aspect of this statement in a coherent way, so we are unable to offer any explanation for the remark.

However, perhaps the last word should go to Jamie Samms, of rival think-tank and London promoters Londiniumville.  “I’ve been to Stoke-on-Trent.  I honestly thought I’d stumbled into a British remake of The Hills Have Eyes.”


Sumac, Reblochon and Rose Harissa added to Waitrose’s ‘Essentials’ range

There’s a crisis happening right now as we bowl up to the dairy counter at popular middle-class hangout Waitrose.  They’ve run out of Reblochon.

A middle-aged middle-class woman is having a go at the store manager.  “How am I supposed to serve Tartiflette to my guests tonight without Reblochon?” she demands.  Store manager Dave Johnson, who is technically working-class despite running a Waitrose, tries to make amends.  “Since we started listing it as an Essential, we’ve run out until our next delivery. Everyone’s making Tartiflette. But I could do you a discount on our Essentials fondue set and some Gruyere and you could have a fondue party instead…”  The irate customer considers the proposal for a moment.  “Well, fondue is still a retro-chic trend on the right side of ironic”, she sighs.  “Alright, I’ll take the fondue set, but I want a disproportionately high discount. And an extra set of forks.”

This typical scene is indicative of the supermarket’s mission to ensure it’s customers won’t be left without such staple ingredients any longer.  In his office, Johnson pours us an Essentials Organic Fairtrade Lemon Verbena and Blue Agave leaf tea.  “We realised our clientele had grown more demanding after the Himalayan Pink Salt riots of 2016”, he explains. “During the clear-up operation our product development team visited the store. As they stood behind the police tape surrounding the exclusion zone, they reassured me  through a megaphone that plans were already in place to introduce many more SKUs to the Essentials range to ensure no further stock outages.”

If one good thing has come out of the Salt Riots that shocked a nation and razed 4 supermarkets to the ground, it’s knowing that later in the year shoppers can expect to see a constant supply of lavender sugar, Fairtrade ras-al-hanout and Scotch Bonnet antipasti all year round at the local branch of their favourite supermarket.