Your Swiss cheeseplant will ruin your life

Looking after a cheeseplant is not the simple job many people think it is, say horticulturalists.  And with the festive season in full swing, many garden centres and florists will be seeing a last minute rush on these popular Christmas gifts.

“A cheeseplant is for life, not just for Christmas”, warns Oliver Tummock of the National Cheeseplant Information Bureau.

75% triffid and 25% psychopath, the cheeseplant is hell-bent on gaining control of your living room, house, and eventually the street you live on.  Tummock advises owners to keep the leafy plant chained up and to play it ambient techno at least 3 times a week to keep it in optimum condition.

“And for crying out loud don’t let it make friends with any Japanese Knotweed.  A and E departments are full enough at this time of year.”

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