New evidence has come to light that has sent scientists, theologians and people reeling. Long thought by many to be a load of cobblers, the case for re-incarnation may now have to be re-examined, after secret lab tests on supermarket fruit suggest that deceased vegans may be sitting in your fruit bowl at home.
We met with practising Buddhist, Tristan Sparrow, who told us, “It’s what we have always suspected. Vegans are at one with nature and have been rewarded with the highest accolade the universe could bestow upon us; full transubstantiation from the human form, to the fruit form.” Sparrow meets us in his local vegan cafe seated cross-legged on a giant velvet cushion. The cafe may smell of B.O. and geranium leaves, but this self-confessed hippy has been gladly offering his support to fellow vegans, ever since the news broke. “This isn’t easy for people to take in. I’m here to show them that being eaten in the afterlife is perfectly natural.”
However, Doctor Kathryn Hartz from the University of Tewkesbury, is unconvinced. “This news is horrible, just horrible. I’ve had to chuck a punnet of peaches in the bin because I noticed one of them looked like my Uncle Kevin, who was a hardcore vegan. I nearly cut him in half and whacked his stone out with a knife.”
A stroll around the restaurants of London’s Covent Garden reveals a different mood altogether. The chefs we spoke to don’t seem bothered that they have spent their careers cooking with metaphysical lifeforms. “It’s all food, innit?” shrugs Carl Smith, a sous chef at a popular brasserie. “I have no problem with peeling and chopping vegans and baking them in a crumble. I might even wait until they’re dead.” He adds, “I’m joking by the way.”
Leading vegan author Olivia Shepherd is happy to eat her vegan ancestors. “The circle of life is complete. We will provide nourishment for other vegans, and non-vegans if we have to, after we’re gone. We’ll be keeping it ‘in the family’ so to speak.” We point out to her that this is technically cannibalism. She smiles. “Cannibalism in this case is justified by the means.”
Non-vegans are reportedly being re-incarnated as non-vegans, news of which has been gladly received by everyone.