It has been revealed that a low dosage of alcohol in the bloodstream at all times is the best way to guarantee happiness. “Due to the shitty weather we have in this country and the simple fact that most Brits hate their jobs, we need to do something to combat our innate sense of nihilism”, says Dr. Jemima Proulx of NGO The Happiness Forum. “A glass of wine or bottle of beer every hour, on the hour, will ensure the brain is kept at a level of sociable torpor that will make people respond positively to you. You will come across as affable, carefree, and a bit mental. This will make you popular and subsequently happy.”
The study, headed up by Dr Proulx, suggests that the effects of alcohol-induced likeability work the other way as well. The slightly pissed are far more likely to find people they normally can’t stand to be suddenly engaging and hilarious. If the other person is borderline mullered as well, a lasting friendship can form, for as long as the level of blood alcohol is maintained at just over the drink-drive limit.
However, Dr. Proulx adds a note of caution. “Your liver will be pretty much fucked by the time you’re 40.”