Putin to headline Glastonbury

The latest news to rock the music press this week has come from, of all places, Moscow.  Ignoring the traditional protocol of waiting for festival organisers to make an announcement, the Kremlin has confirmed that psychopathic, ham-moobed overlord Vladimir Putin will next year be taking to Glastonbury’s famous Pyramid Stage on the Sunday night.

Glastonbury have attempted to play down the shock line-up change, neither confirming nor denying rumours that the original planned headline act was payed off with a luxury fishing holiday in the Urals, 2-for-1 cinema tickets and cheap car insurance.  “We are looking forward to welcoming Mr Putin and his posse of tooled-up mobsters to Worthy Farm”, a spokeswoman said yesterday.  “Gold embroidered yurts, complete with a rider that includes samovars of tea, Beluga caviar and local peasants to whip, are being organised.”  The autocrat’s setlist has not yet been revealed.

A pre-event sightseeing tour to Salisbury is being planned for the president, with the whole city to be evacuated and put under quarantine for 20 years afterwards.  The Home Office are advising any ex-Soviet sleeper agents who may live in the area to vacate Wiltshire and never return.

94% of women over 40 describe their unique personal style as ‘classic with a twist’

Almost all women over the age of 40 who consider themselves to have an individual personal style all dress in exactly the same way, a new study has found.  The minority who wouldn’t describe their style as ‘classic with a twist’, say they dress in more of a ‘timeless with a sense of fun’ kind of a way.

Camilla Spayleigh of the National Institute of Personal Stylists admits that putting a colourful scarf or a statement necklace with a tailored trouser suit is not edgy or cool.  “Personal stylists have very few original ideas for middle-aged women, so tend to fall back on the same tired old crap Trinny and Susannah were trotting out 15 years ago.  And for some reason women think that ‘classic with a twist’ is a look that only a select few fashionistas know about.”

Fashion enthusiast and working mum of 2, Claire, opens up to us about what style means to her.  “I love to shop for capsule pieces in neutral colours that I know will look good for years to come, and will never date.  To avoid looking like everybody else who shops on the high street for same things I do, I like to add my own unique touch of personality.”  Claire shows us a pink handbag, a yellow floral silk scarf and an enamel pendant she picked up at a vintage market.  “If I put the scarf with this grey sweater and blue bootcut jeans, see how the look is completely transformed.  Suddenly it looks really quirky and funky- a bit like me, really!”  She smiles when we ask how she would describe her personal style. “My style is very much ‘out there’, despite getting most of my inspiration from Red magazine and BBC newsreaders.  I would describe my style as classic with a twist.”

Camilla Spayleigh is candid in her assessment.  “Classic with a twist basically means wearing reasonable quality yet boring clothes, and adding a colourful accessory in lieu of having a personality.  Claire is just another basic bitch being sold a lie by high street brands taking backhanders from the women’s style magazines.”

Banana republic builds Boris bust following bent banana Brexit boon

A 100 meter solid gold bust of Boris Johnson has been unveiled in the centre of Quito, following news of Britain’s imminent withdrawal from the EU.

The Republic of Ecuador, the world’s largest exporter of bananas, made the unusual move partly in anticipation of Britain’s withdrawal from the European Union, which is likely to result in a liberalisation of Britain’s trading regulations.

Prior to it’s accession to the EU, Britons were notoriously fond of eating and otherwise subsuming into their persons malformed, mis-shapen bananas with an abnormal curvature.  Commission Regulation (EC) No. 2257/94 of 16 September 1994 infamously put an end to this favourite national pastime, and is seen by many commentators as the main reason for the UK’s vote to leave the Union.  It is therefore safe to assume that one of the first rules to be scrapped by the newly sovereign nation will be that concerning the shape of bananas, and the Ecuadorean economy stands to gain substantially.

Which leads nicely onto the second reason for the Boris bust, as succinctly put by Jose Bananuerez, Ecuadorean Minister for Trade. “The newly independent United Kingdom will be frantically searching for trading partners, and as the world’s leading producer of abnormally curved bananas, Ecuador is keen to send a clear message to future Prime Minister Mr Johnson: ‘You are open for business, and we are more than happy to fill you up with bent fruit until all of your strange desires are sated.’ “

Provincial Winter Wonderlands are always just some tents in a muddy field

Families are being warned not to bother taking children to anything described as a ‘Winter Wonderland’ in the run up to Christmas on account of them always being completely rubbish.  A spokesman for Swindon-based pressure group Keep Christmas Christmassy advises people to regard claims like ‘Santa’s Grotto’, ‘real live reindeer’ and ‘German-style Christmas Market’ as stretching the truth to breaking point.

This year’s Winter Wonder-Blueland will be back on Darke Park, opening on Saturday 1st December. Organiser Jeff Llama wants to reassure parents that an authentic Scandinavian experience awaits them.  “This year will be better than ever.  Last year didn’t go according to plan, admittedly.  It was very unfortunate that the ground beneath Santa’s Grotto collapsed into the public toilet cesspit, and loads of kids got covered in shit.  OK, so the reindeer weren’t tethered properly and they stampeded through Waitrose when the firework display started, and yes, one of them turned out to be a donkey in Deeley Boppers.  But this year we’ve moved the Grotto and hired reindeer from a reputable animal wrangler.”

Local councillor Samira Anwar has reassured locals that the music act hired last year, whose expletive-filled grime set on Christmas Eve went down like a concrete dinghy, won’t be coming back.  “Obviously MC Hohoho wasn’t quite the festive treat we’d had in mind.  Who knew that ‘ho ho ho’ could mean something so different?  But we’re confident that this year, singer Phil Mysack, will be wonderful.  His setlist promises us classics like Have Yourself a Merry Little XXX-mas, Jingle Balls, and I Saw Three Nips. His spelling is terrible but I’m sure he’ll get the party started!”

People who comment on other people’s social media posts with “Sorry, but…” are not sorry

Fans of behaving like a petulant child and arguing needlessly with complete strangers on social media will be familiar with the above phrase.  Any comment that begins with “Sorry, but…” can be pretty much guaranteed to be a passive-aggressive tirade designed to be a triumphant take down of the original poster.

Curiously, evidence suggests that the original post which prompted such a huffy and self-important response, is often just a well-intended postulation.  This doesn’t matter to the Sorry But commenter.  Any opportunity to look morally superior is eagerly grasped.

Seasoned Sorry But commenter, Brick_Fist_101, who appears to spend most of his time being arsey on Facebook, told us “Other people are misguided fools who need educating, preferably by me.  I am the arbiter of all political and social issues and I make no apology for it.  Black Lives Matter?  Sorry, but ALL lives matter, and to say otherwise is non-inclusive of everyone else and therefore probably racist.  I’m now hoping for hundreds of ‘likes’ for that remark, to prop up my fragile ego.”

Try to leave shops slowly and nonchalantly to avoid looking like a thief, shoppers advised

People who walk into shops to have a look around, but not actually buy anything, often feel that staff are watching them closely and are secretly thinking they are a shoplifter.  This guilty reflex is particularly prevalent amongst decent, hardworking people, who enjoy browsing shops as a way of experiencing the ‘high’ of looking at random shit they probably can’t afford.

The unfortunate side-effect of this vicarious pastime is that when you reach the door, empty handed, you will feel the sudden urge to squeak an embarrassed ‘thank you’ and rush out.  Most of us will then imagine a heavy hand upon our shoulder, and a demand to see our receipt.  But help is at hand for anxious browsers, thanks to new guidelines published today.

The advice suggests that the best thing to do is to walk slowly towards the door when you are ready to leave.  Thieves don’t hang around after they’ve helped themselves to a five-finger discount, is the rationale behind this advice.  Linger over some of the displays nearest the door, then slowly wander out.  As you are on the doorstep, pretend you’ve seen something just inside the door and go back to look at it briefly.  Then finally walk out, slowly.  Ensure staff can then see you admiring the window display from outside.  An added yawn is a good way of making you look nonthreatening and in no hurry to leave.

Further advice recommends not wearing anything that might make you look a bit ‘ghetto’, not asking to use their toilet whilst trying to conceal a plastic carrier bag in your jacket, or muttering to someone called ‘blud’ on your mobile phone.


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